“I can’t do it, mommy; it’s too bad!” Our children may struggle with accepting failure, making them feel disappointed, sad, and ashamed, or even damaging their self-esteem. Many children experience big emotions or may start to avoid things when faced with challenges and new scenarios because they want to protect themselves from the pain of disappointment.1 It’s okay to fail; we learn from failure. It is a necessary part of success because learning from our biggest mistakes can teach us courage, problem-solving skills, strength, and wisdom in ways that success cannot.2 There are amazing opportunities for children and their growth when they understand that it is okay to fail.
Why is Learning from Failure Important?
We learn from failure. If we can support our children and help them learn how to deal with failure, they will be better prepared to get back up and try again. When we fail, we can use that experience to help us in the future. We grow and increase our knowledge, experience, and resilience. We also learn the value of hard work and appreciate the benefits when we succeed. And it helps us to have compassion and humility.2,3 I’m sure you’ll agree that these are all great qualities we want to instill in our children!
Why Saving Children Is More Bad Than Good
Many parents do everything they can to protect their children from mistakes or failures. It is normal and natural to want to protect your child from sadness, disappointment, grief, and anxiety. However, this act of protection can rob our children of the opportunity to learn through failure. When we jump in and do things for our children (under the guise of “helping” them), we don’t mean to tell them that we don’t believe they can do it or that we are better than them. This, in turn, can negatively affect their well-being and self-confidence.4 Of course, this is not the intention of most parents, but it can be an unintended consequence.
By saving our children from failure, we also set them up to fail. They will fail when they are adults, and we won’t be around to ride. I’m not saying that’s bad; That’s true. Eventually, they will be passed over for a job or an award, make a mistake, or lose something they love. If they don’t learn through failure in their early years, they won’t have the skills later to move on, learn how to overcome the problems that stand in their way, and ultimately become independent or able to handle challenges that arise. life throws at us. all.2,4 As the old saying goes, “Sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind,” and allowing our children to fail is one of these times.
How to Talk to Your Child About Academic Failure
While giving our children the space to make mistakes and fail is important, it is just as important to give them the right skills and support them after they fail. This way, they can make the most of the failure, and it will be an opportunity to grow instead. Here’s how to help your child navigate frustration:
1. Teach Them a Growth Mindset
We can teach our children to learn from their mistakes by helping them develop a growth mindset. It’s a frame of mind where they see defeat or failure as something that happens to them, not to them. Challenges, obstacles, and failures are embraced and seen as opportunities for learning and growth rather than defeat.5 A growth mindset empowers children and changes how they perceive and respond to failure.
You can help them learn through failure by having conversations after a challenge or mistake. Determine what went wrong, but how they can fix it. Focus on their strengths and how they can use or apply them to find a solution. For example, you might say, “I know it’s frustrating that your blocks fell. Why do you think they fell? Maybe if they are not stacked properly, so they fall. What can we do next?”
2. Let Them Experience Failure
Yes. Just don’t push in (as hard as it feels). If we let go of small failures now, they will have the skills to deal with bigger failures later. I’m not talking about situations related to their safety or that of others, but simple things like tying their shoelaces or making themselves a snack. Sure, they may not do it perfectly the first time, but they will learn and, more importantly, increase their self-esteem and feel good about themselves when they learn by failing to handle things.
3. Don’t Be Rushed to Their Feelings About Failure
If you rush to help, it may be because you want to protect your child from distress. I know it doesn’t feel okay, but I promise it’s okay for your child to experience uncomfortable feelings. Sometimes, fear of failure is about fearing the emotions that come with failure. So, let them be uncomfortable while they learn from failure. I’m not saying don’t offer comfort, but don’t rush to fix things for your child. You can try to solve the problem, help them identify some tools for self-regulation, or offer a hug. But don’t underestimate their experience or rush them. We don’t want our children to be afraid of their feelings; they need to experience them so they know they can handle them and that feeling won’t last forever.
4. Be Open About People Learning From Failure
Share the times when you failed and overcame an issue or challenge. Find books about famous people who fail — some scientists make mistakes that lead to world-changing discoveries, and authors go on and end up selling chart-topping books. Watch TV shows or read books and identify failures or challenges and how they overcame things. This will help your child develop a mindset around failure and normalize that everyone makes mistakes.
There is no easy path or process to help our children succeed and learn through failure. This means some inevitable anxiety or heartache. But as parents, we need to help our children navigate ways to handle failure, because it’s the only way they can develop the mindset and resilience needed to turn a mistake or failure into an opportunity. We must help our children recognize failure as a stepping stone to success and something to be cherished rather than avoided.
