Infertility has no calendar—it is present every day. There are some times of the year, however, when your own absence—and its emotional impact—is more widespread. Some of those times include Mother’s or Father’s Day, your birthday, holidays, and New Year’s.
Even in the best of times, it can be difficult to deal with infertility, and the holidays present even more challenges. Gatherings in large groups can mean the unexpected—and sometimes very personal—questions. Here are some tips to help you when you find yourself in a conversation with someone who makes insensitive comments or asks too many questions. Sharing your infertility story is personal to YOU, and you are in control of what you say, who you say it to, and when you say it.
When a Friend or Relative Offers You Pregnancy Advice
Maybe you have an Aunt Mary or your mom’s friend June who feels the need to share their pregnancy expertise with you. Some phrases you may hear are “You’re trying too hard; just let it go” and “When you least expect it, you’ll get pregnant.” Um, no.
Even though it may be coming from a place of love and care, when a friend or relative offers unsolicited advice about your parenting journey, it can be insensitive. So how do you share what you feel comfortable sharing while keeping your cool?
How to Talk to Your Family About Infertility
According to Resolve.orghere are tips for talking to loved ones about your fertility journey.
- First, chat with your partner (if you have one) about how much detail you want to share about what you’ve been through.
- Have a go-to line or prepared statement that you work on. Something like, “We’re trying to start a family but haven’t been successful so far.”
- Speak privately when you have someone’s attention.
- Share statistics about infertility: 1 in 8 individuals/couples experience infertility.
- Be open and honest about your desire to attend family or large group gatherings; it’s ok if you don’t feel it.
Thinking about the tips above before getting together with family and friends can help make conversations easier.
Fertility and Family Building Support
RESOLVE New England provides education, support, and advocacy for those living in New England and struggling with fertility and family formation. Learn more about RNE here. If you live outside of New England, Resolve’s national chapter can help you find support right in your area. We also list some support resources in our Infertility 101 blog post.
The benefit of finding a community or support group is that you will be part of a caring group of people who understand what you are going through and are open and willing to share their stories. There is comfort in finding people who understand what you are feeling emotionally, mentally, and physically. Participants in these groups “just take it.”
Fertility during the Holidays
You spend more time with your family—around friends and their family—and this may cause you to reflect on your own family formation. Relatives you haven’t seen in a long time may question your plans for having a baby without knowing the challenges you face. And while they may mean well, it doesn’t hurt to face uncomfortable questions.
Having some responses at the ready can help make these interactions easier. You can try responses like:
- Being gracious: “Thank you for asking. When we have news we’re ready to share, you’ll be one of the first to know.”
- Being honest: “That’s a very personal question! We will share when we are ready.”
- Changing the subject: “Tell me about your grandchildren/children/nephews—they gotta grow up!”
It can also help to have someone else in the room next to you to bail you out or help redirect conversations. It could be a close friend or family member who may call you or interrupt you with a new topic.
The holidays are a wonderful and emotional time of year. Preparing for the New Year—and another year of family planning—you may not feel much joy. Knowing that there are resources and communities you can connect with will hopefully make a tougher time easier.
If you are interested in learning more about egg donation or surrogacy as a family building option, please contact our team at: [email protected] or fill this form to connect with our Parent Intake team.
