Michelle’s Story was originally posted on Motherhood Tabutiful on 4/26/2017
Michelle is a beautiful actress, a loving mother, an important member of her community and one of the founders of The Board of Valor , and she’s really funny (did I mention that she just won an Emmy? yeah) She’s essentially everything I look for in a friend, so when I asked her about writing a blog I was pretty excited when she said ‘yes!’ Michelle is on baby number two and her body is not easy on her. The reality of pregnancy isn’t always glowing faces and little kicks so thank you Michelle for giving us a glimpse into what growing up is often like for girls.
Last night I posted something on Facebook that temporarily made me feel like I might be a bad person. I posted this anyway out of desperation on my own. It reads, “To all the women out there who want to be pregnant – I don’t know if I’m jealous of you or if I want to stab you in the eye.” Funny, yes, but sadly, I didn’t feel like it was too much of an exaggeration. It’s kind of the truth these days.
Before you judge me, know that I am a nice person. I am normal. I have many friends and I rarely hold grudges. I give to charities and take care of children’s emotional needs for a living. I’m REALLY not enjoying being pregnant right now, and recently I’ve really felt the pain of wanting to say something so rude to a woman who, when I found out I was pregnant, said, “Oh don’t you LOVE being pregnant? What a blessing.”
I will not repeat what I wanted to say when he asked that. I’ll just leave it at the answer, “No.”
This is my second pregnancy. My first son was four years old, and I have to admit, the first time in pregnancy was a little mysterious despite the physical trials I endured. I’m 5 years younger for one thing. I’ve wanted to be a mom for a long time, so every little twitch and pregnancy I hit is a source of pride. First ultrasound. First kick. Shoot, even the bad things like hemorrhoids and his kicking me in the ribs to the point I lost my breath and the awful PUPS rash I got 2 weeks before I delivered more like bragging rights as to how hard my body was working. I’m amazed at what we women can do with what I’ve been through. It was hard, but I was happy with God’s miracle and all that.
But now I’m older, gain weight more easily, feel more tired and brain dead, and within two weeks of finding out I’m pregnant, I’ve been sick all the time. Not just slightly sick in the morning as the term “morning sickness” would fool you into believing. I’m like the flu morning, noon, and night. Gone is any kind of “glow” that pregnant women describe. I felt very disappointed for all this. I never felt proud of any of the trials my body had to endure during pregnancy. I don’t feel like they’re another notch on my belt. I’m just sick and tired. And tired of pain and tiredness. And I was afraid to admit it until I wrote that Facebook post.
One of the things I struggle with is admitting that motherhood at this stage is just hard. I’ve been afraid to say out loud how much I really dislike being pregnant this go around because it feels like blasphemy. What about all the moms out there who can’t have children? I also have this weird feeling that if I talk about my frustration with the 24/7 pain and not being able to breathe and all that, that I’m somehow ruining my unborn child. It seems like a ridiculous thought now that I’m typing this, but we often put ourselves in “this or that” mindsets forgetting that there’s room for both.
The truth is this: I will be excited for this boy’s fate and at the same time frustrated with the journey to get there. It doesn’t mean I’m a bad person or a bad mother. That means I’m real. That means I don’t want to be sick all the time. It means I want to be the energetic person I tend to be when I’m not carrying a child in my womb. That’s fine. That’s normal.
My confession, or rather my encouragement, to all mothers who are going through a difficult pregnancy (or shooting, this can come in handy in the first few weeks of having a baby-don’t get me started about that) is this: The mantra “It’s hard, but worth it” is a great phrase to use, and it’s really comforting to think of it that way instead of forcing yourself to feel like it’s all some kind of giant blessing I know in the end, it will all be worth it and it will be a blessing. I know I will love my son (yes, it’s a boy!) like crazy and I can’t imagine a world without him when he gets here. But I also know that it’s okay to be authentic to what I feel here and now and not put aside the hard parts because I don’t want to be ungrateful. We can feel two things at the same time-joy and pain-and that is the blessing and wonder of giving life and living in the first place-its sacrifice, tears, pain, and joy all rolled into one.
