3 Sex-Positive Resolutions for 2023

Note: This article was originally posted at the beginning of 2021, but we’re republishing it today because the advice is just as true (or more!) than it was two years ago.

When it comes to New Year’s resolutions, I’m like Farmers Insurance: I know a resolution or two because I’ve made one or . . or 42. But actually, for most of my life, I rarely stayed with them for more than a few months—and I know I’m not alone in that.

New Year’s resolutions are not easy to stick to because we often set stretch goals without knowing the truth why behind them and because we are not giving ourselves the infrastructure necessary to actually achieve them. Our resolutions look more like to-do lists than actual goals. We try things like “exercise three times a week” or “fold every load of laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer, which is great (although honestly, I’ve never met anyone who has achieved laundry thing, so maybe drop that one) but it’s just…tasks.

Resolutions shouldn’t look like a daily to-do list; they should be the goals and aspirations you have for yourself, such as “prioritize my mental and physical well-being more” or “take better care of my home.” Tasks can help you get there, but they’re not the whole picture.

When you set a task for yourself, you are basically assigning yourself a chore. But when you set a goal, chances are you have a meaningful and motivating reason behind it. Here’s the thing: If you don’t have a clear reason for setting goals for yourself, then don’t bother (unless you like feel bad that you’ve dropped your resolutions). But if you have a motivating reason? Go ahead.

So, I’m sharing with you three sex-positive New Year’s resolutions that I think are definitely worth pursuing. These changes can improve not only your solo and partnered sex life, but your life in general. I am including several reasons why you might want to pursue these resolutions, but the best reason is one you you make one for yourself.

1. Practice sexual self-compassion

Sexual self-compassion is the more intense cousin of regular self-compassion. When it comes to our desires, fantasies, bodies, and behaviors, our biggest critics are usually (perhaps always)…ourselves. People who report having a more satisfying sex life also tend to report higher levels of self-confidence, and that with the being patient with our struggles, needs, and boundaries.

If you are dealing with sexual shaming, a history of traumaunpleasant sex, or bad feelings about your body, I recommend starting here, because a little self-compassion goes a long way.

• The reason: You deserve to live a life full of joy, and you are too it deserves the time and space you need to figure out what it really means to you. Judging yourself won’t help you achieve your goals and live a fulfilling life, but self-compassion will.
• The job: When you notice you’re embarrassing yourself, take a breath and ask yourself what you really need at that moment. What does it mean to take care of your needs instead of belittling yourself for them? Ground yourself, then write or say out loud what you need. Give it to yourself. Once you feel comfortable with it, try it on others. For now, let go of the “shoulds” of your sex life. The only thing in your sex life must be is consensual and agreeable—the rest is only by your design, no one else’s.

2. Explore your sexual desires

For some reason, many of us assume that we just know what we like in bed. The truth is that almost all of us were raised in sex-negative environments. That is, we were taught some things that were not really true, such as “the only ‘real’ sex is dick to pussy”, “you can only be fulfilled if you are in a monogamous relationship,” or “Porn is always shameful and bad.”

(Just in case you missed it the first time around, those are all lies.) Because our world is largely sex-negative — that is, society is afraid of sexuality that doesn’t fit neatly into certain assigned boxes — it it is common for people to feel that they are wrong or wrong if they like something or if they don’t like something. When it comes to desire, fantasy, and arousal, the “musts” show more than anyone needs. So, let go of the “shoulds” and the harmful things you learned earlier, and find out what a fulfilling sex life is mean to you.

• The reason: You deserve to define what sexual happiness and fulfillment means to you, without judging your desires through anyone else’s lens. Your desires are bigger than the boxes the world tells you you have to fit into, and accepting them in all their complexity leads to greater contentment and confidence in other areas of your life as well.
• The job: Try different forms of sexual media and see if something stirs feelings in your mind and body. Find written erotica online (even fan fiction), listen to audio erotica with services like Dipsea or &Jane, or find queer-friendly, body-positive porn through services like PinkLabel.tv. Find more suggestions for exploration and experimentation here and remember, you can make this journey alone o with partners.

3. Strengthen your sexual communication skills

If you’re looking to improve your partner’s sex life, strengthening your communication skills is a resolution that’s definitely worth pursuing. Many of us have the belief that our partners should be quite know what we want, how we want to be handled, and what we’re not okay with—all without telling them. More of us struggle to say something like “could you move your fingers half an inch to the right, please?” on the bed.

If we want to have pleasant partnered sex, we have to be open and engaged with sexual communicators before intercourse actually begins.