Have you ever laid in bed and wondered what it would be like to have sex in public? Or maybe you dream of being naughty with a co-worker.
Many of us fantasize about sex, whether our fantasies are about group sex or wild flings with celebrities or being restrained by a tentacled monster (looking at you, hentai), or anything else. Sexual fantasies are erotic thoughts, ideas, or images that turn you on, and the only limit to your sexual fantasies is your imagination.
But what happens when your fantasies fall outside the sexual scripts we usually see play out in mainstream media representations of sex? After all, we live in a culture with sexual norms. For example, a common expectation for cisgender heterosexual couples is that the woman will be more submissive and the man will be more dominant when it comes to sex. But it’s perfectly normal and okay to have fantasies that don’t conform to society’s norms.
What if something is wrong with my fantasies?
Some people experience shame or anxiety about their sexual fantasies. You may worry that you will be strange to sexual partners or that you will face rejection for sharing your innermost thoughts. You may worry about how your fantasies will reflect you as a person.
But there is nothing wrong with your fantasies, whatever they are! They are literally just thoughts. All sexual fantasies are okay, no matter how different or uncomfortable they feel. And you don’t have to act on your sexual fantasies if you don’t want to! Some situations can be hot in our heads, but we don’t really want to carry them out in real life. The very fact that something is taboo or goes against your morals and values may be what makes it attractive!
(That said, if you find your fantasies upsetting or they interfere with daily life, or if you think you might hurt yourself or someone else, talk to a counselor or a therapist.)
Should I share my sexual fantasies with my partner(s)?
Ultimately, you can choose whether or not to share your sexual fantasies with others. Deciding to share them can be daunting. You may feel vulnerable or exposed. But as the saying goes, “a closed mouth cannot be fed.” Getting the chance to talk to someone can lead to a more enjoyable experience, and it can also be an opportunity to build intimacy. Not to mention that starting an open and honest conversation about your preferences can make your partner(s) more comfortable sharing their preferences in return.
Ultimately, if it’s important to you to explore your fantasies with a partner, you have to risk that they may not share those fantasies or they may not want to do them with you—which is okay! It is everyone’s individual decision what, if anything, they want to do with other people in bed. But if your partner reacts by shaming or judging you, that’s a different story. You might want to reconsider if that’s someone you want to be with.
