I should take a break from social media because I might explode in anger. Weak people seek help and informed people push an agenda. Enter: toxic meme culture.
You know what a meme is, right? This is one of those little gifs or images with text that people share on social media. We like to think it’s “what the kids do” but the truth is that memes (pronounced “meemz) are shared by everyone.”
Some are funny and some are inspirational but if you have friends who are having babies or you follow any birth and new parent support groups, you’ve seen a lot of memes that aren’t inspirational or funny but downright oppressive.
The thing that makes a meme shareable is that it’s a meaningful statement: something that can be said in one line, maybe two. Something that does not take any additional information to convey the meaning. It is a small, simple and discrete slice of entertainment or information.
But information about pregnancy, birth and babies is rarely simple.
Everything about having and raising babies is really complicated. And people who continue to promote simplistic ideas are doing parents a great disservice. Instead of helping parents gain the confidence to make decisions for themselves, they are told what choices are worthwhile and which aren’t.
It’s easier if I can show you some examples. Let’s break down some actual toxic memes I’ve encountered recently.
In this meme we have a person showing an example of parents talking. One parent asks how sleep is, another parent admits it’s not good and they probably need the help of a sleep consultant.
This is a common topic of discussion and as doulas, we are constantly asked about how we can help new parents set their babies up for good sleep. “Good sleep” generally means that the baby is sleeping in longer cycles that more closely resemble adult sleep.
The added doula comments here say that they are saddened that a parent would worry about their little baby’s sleep and that parents are thinking of working on improving it. At its core, this meme is about shaming people for wanting their little babies to sleep better and it’s a toxic meme.
But why are they sad? Parents have identified that they are not satisfied with the amount of sleep they are getting. To be sure, that may be a period of life that they may just have to survive.
- Or maybe the partner does a job that requires them to get very good rest – for safety and accuracy – and so they can continue to support their family financially, they want to try to improve their baby’s sleep.
- Perhaps the breastfeeding parent is also experiencing postpartum depression that is exacerbated by disrupted or insufficient sleep.
- Maybe they’re one of those parents who unconsciously reacts to every sound and movement their baby makes, mistaking the pause in the sleep cycle for the end of the sleep cycle (like when you wake up, roll over and fell asleep again).
Or maybe: IT’S NOT YOUR LIFE AND NOT YOUR BABY SO STOP SHAMING PEOPLE FOR THEIR PERSONAL CHOICES!
Let’s look at another one.
This toxic meme is a quote about the importance of birth method (how the baby is born) and how the parent remembers their birth.
Now, the second half of that is completely true. How a birthing person remembers their birth is very important. There is clinical evidence showing that people who have positive memories of their birth experience less birth trauma. Poor birth memories lead to a higher chance of birth trauma.
At Hamilton Family Doulas, that’s our focus: how a client sees their birth experience. Did they participate in decision making during labor and delivery? When they spoke up, were their needs and concerns acknowledged and helped by staff? If possible, are they given the freedom to work the way they want to work? Those are the kinds of things we strive to ensure for our clients. When a client of ours believes they are well supported throughout their birth, how the baby arrives – with minimal intervention, with multiple intervention, through surgery – is less important.
I will say more, what I have learned in my 14 (so far) years of birth support is that when a health care system listens to birthers, it gives them more control and participation in their health care. as much as possible, it is of little importance to most parents how the baby exits the body. And, when this happens, many of those parents are pointed out by others that there is some kind of birth hierarchy with a vaginal birth without intervention being BETTER than, say, a c-section.
I’m just going to pause for a second and let’s all rest assured that this judgment is total BS. Because this is.
Ready for some more?
Are you breastfeeding? Did you check your phone? Congratulations! You’re just like every other damn child-feeding parent.
In the chosen morsel we see the kudos given to those (moms? Is this the 50s?) parents who breastfed their children and never once picked up their cell phone. What makes them special? Well, you could be forgiven if you, too, thought the world had progressed beyond this point, but apparently not yet. In walks this toxic meme to remind us.
Women (because “MOMS”) must devote all their attention to their babies. They should not be bored while taking care of their little child. And if they look at a phone (or a book, a Kindle, a laptop, the TV…) they are clearly a bad mother. It’s easy to fall for this social media BS because everyone is so perfect in their curated world!
I used to breastfeed in a time before cell phones and social media. Parents are just as impatient, sometimes or mostly, as parents are today. It’s normal and OK to want to stop staring at your nursing and do something else with your brain. In fact, it’s better for a fussy nursing parent to find a way to occupy their restless mind than for them to cut back on feeds because they’re bored. Maybe the parent has ADHD and sitting through feeds is a legit struggle.
Or maybe none of us do what people do!
I could literally do this all day, but I think this little one is enough. And to be honest, I’m disgusted again!
Parenting cannot be reduced to a bunch of simple, absolute truths that can be easily shared on social media. C-sections aren’t always unhealthy – they often save lives, which is the opposite of unhealthy. Breastfeeding may be ideal nutrition for newborn babies, but a parent who can work is a better thing than “ideal nutrition”. Sleep training may be the thing that ensures one parent’s mental health and another parent’s ability to maintain peak performance at work.
There is no one way to successfully parent a child.
And every moment, every parenting choice, has variations and levels of success that are intricately connected to a dozen other things going on in the home, in the lives of the parents, and in the inner realities of the primary caregiver— caring parent
And sometimes a parent just decides, “No! I’m not enjoying it. I want to do something different.” We should respect parents for those decisions. We should encourage them to listen to their guts and do what’s best for them and for their whole family and not just what what society says will make a great child. After all: you can sacrifice everything, do everything, to give birth and parent the way the memes tell you to, and you may still need intervention, have a child get sick, have a child with an emerging diagnosis or learning disability or diabetes or whatever. None of those things are the end of the world.
You’ll notice that Hamilton Family Doula’s social media feeds are NOT filled with toxic memes promoting one type of birth or parenting over another. In fact, it’s mostly full of funny shares, because we all need to laugh a little, don’t we?
