Cesarean is Strength — Cloud Nine Birth Services | Birth Doula Services | Postpartum Doula Services
It finally clicked for me. You see, I struggle with non-judgmental care more than I feel comfortable admitting. I was raised very natural minded and followed my own birth experiences and parenting style. I see value in many of these methods and techniques and so I enjoy teaching natural birth and I enjoy sharing about breastfeeding and attachment parenting. There’s nothing wrong with that as long as I’m not pushing unsolicited advice or education on clients or people who don’t care about it AND as long as I’m not shaming or making birthers and parents feel different. The only problem is that I don’t know.
A few months ago I worked with a couple whose goal was to have a natural birth experience. After nearly 36 hours and hardly any sleep, this mom was clearly exhausted. His eyes were dark and closed and he could not walk and could barely speak. Her body was so exhausted that her contractions became less effective and eventually ceased to exist. I had to do a very hard thing and accept that if this mom continued down this path, she would never experience healthy pain – she would suffer. We discussed her options and she decided she needed an epidural. This is where my working life crumbled before me. After making that decision – a decision I knew was unpleasant but absolutely necessary, this poor mama looked me dead in the eye with a trembling voice and said, “I feel like a failure. Forgive me.” and couldn’t take her tearful gaze away. It hit me like a ton of bricks. There was no escape for me from this. This amazingly strong woman felt she had failed and the worst after all, he felt the need to apologize for his “failed” effort. At that moment, I was so disgusted with myself. So sad. So ashamed. So angry. He can’t fail no matter what decision he makes but I failed to her. I failed to make her feel that my support was unconditional and non-judgmental. I failed to explain that birth is hardly a picture perfect. It is so unpredictable with so many variables and aspects. I failed to make sure she knew any intervention was happened or what route her birth experience took, whether this baby was born vaginally or in the womb, she is in. The “I am strong and I rocked my birth” club includes all mothers, no matter how they are born, are suitable! I am sure of one of two things:
1. Childbirth and motherhood are difficult.
2. Women are strong.
We need to stop the shaming and the mommy wars. We have to put aside the differences. We need to be more thoughtful, understanding and inclusive. We need to love and support each other. We need to build each other up instead of making each other feel ashamed or inadequate.
This baby was born later by cesarean after using every trick up our sleeves, 6 hours of active pushing, and the baby’s heart was often slowing down with the position change. She was found to be posterior, asynclitic with nuchal cord x3.
A good doula puts aside her own opinions and agenda and offers her support wholeheartedly. I didn’t want another woman – a woman who entrusted me with emotional and physical care during her birth – to whisper those words. I drove home in tears. Not because of the cesarean (although disheartening because of this mom’s wishes), but because of what she felt.
Most women can have spontaneous, low- or no-intervention vaginal births. However, there are times when we can’t. For those experiencing the OR table – You are strong. You are brave. You are great.
