My father (who had a stroke in 2019 and has been deteriorating from a mental and physical standpoint for the past 3-1/2 yrs) died suddenly on Christmas Day of cardiac arrest. He tested positive for COVID (caught from our aide) just before Christmas, but had no fever or any other symptoms other than dizziness. Our aide told me it was better if I didn’t go because I could get COVID and bring it to my family at Christmas. On the morning of 12/26, I would have taken him to an urgent care if he was still lethargic. But I never had the chance. We buried him on New Year’s Eve. He was 86. Until the end, he was always trying to see if he could return to work despite his age, his inability to drive. He worked until he had a stroke. He has accomplished so much as a structural engineer… so much for him and his family to be proud of. But all he knows how to do is work. He had very little in the way of social connection or entertainment. I can’t get him to read newspapers/books/magazines or even do puzzles….things that will help him stimulate his brain so it doesn’t atrophy. So the family watched as his mental and physical condition worsened. He was spending more and more time in his room with his door closed and his appetite was decreasing until I saw him a few weeks before Christmas. My brother said it best in his eulogy at my father’s funeral service: “As his health continued to decline over the next few years, deep inside, he struggled with what his heart wanted and what his body and mind could handle. [When he] passed away….he finally found peace. I believe his spirit has been set free, and somewhere above, his mind is regenerating.”
Taken 12/4/22 – mom is still smiling for me. Pictures are always very deceiving. You don’t know a person’s true condition based on a smiling face in a picture; but only a 1 second glance. I didn’t know then that this would be the last picture I would take of him.
My 87-year-old mother has been getting worse since she had surgery in 2012 to remove a cyst near her spinal cord. He likely has undiagnosed OCD and PTSD with a lifelong history of anxiety. Many of the issues that led to his current state were mostly of his own doing (from a mental standpoint as he kept telling himself and his family that he just wanted to give up). He avoided walking for fear of swelling his leg, which is what happened after the operation. Since 2012, he has had an eating disorder (will only eat edamame and rice) due to his fear of triggering an auto-immune condition called bullous pemphigoid (started after his surgery due to trauma from his recovery in rehab center) that we got. was under control about 1-1/2 yrs ago with a daily dose of prednisone. I’m sure her eating disorder is tied to her wanting us to be apart, but I can’t get her to see a therapist. I also tried to ask a nutritionist for help, but he refused to listen to me. Insisted on eating nothing but edemame and rice. He thought therapists and nutritionists were a waste of time/money. He canceled the therapist appt I had scheduled for him. In 2018, he refused to stand/walk. It was painful to watch him deteriorate to the point where, a few years ago, he couldn’t get back into bed, sit up, stand up, walk, go to the bathroom. All he can do is feed himself. Since we got his pemphigoid bullous under control, he is no longer afraid to eat all kinds of food. I breathed a sigh of relief! But this past summer, he stopped feeding himself, so his aide had to feed him. In the last 3 years or so, he has also developed a habit of spitting up (spitting his food into a small tub he puts on the table), which I’m not sure if it’s on purpose or not. I just thought he wanted to spit out his food because of his eating disorder. Then, about a year ago, the spitting action started happening even when he was just sitting and watching TV. At that point, I was thinking it must have been accidental. From a recognition standpoint, he still recognized me but forgot my name and my siblings’ names. He still smiles every time he sees me. But he hasn’t talked to her in almost a year. So his baseline is non-verbal, unable to do anything for himself, and can’t remember much. A few weeks ago, I received a letter from Taiwan from a cousin I had spoken to recently. The letter informed us that my mother’s brother passed in July from not being able to eat and then not being able to drink liquids. It seems to be a family trait.
My mom also tested positive for COVID and for a few days had a temperature of around 99 degrees several times. But then he doesn’t have a temp and everything seems fine except he starts eating less than usual. My brother and I took my mother to the hospital on Christmas night. I don’t know if he knows what happened to my father. Since being admitted to the hospital, he has been unable to swallow or eat and relies on an IV drip to keep him hydrated/sustaining. From nodding/smiling in recognition when he saw me on 12/26 he can no longer recognize/respond to me. Three days ago, his jaw was locked and he had involuntary spasm-like jaw/tongue thrusts (like he was choking, but his mouth was empty) and two days ago, he couldn’t open his eyes ( he keeps trying to). She has become thinner in the past 3 days. It hurts me to see him lying there looking like that. From her crying a lot for my aide and my dad on Monday/Tuesday to not being able to call anyone’s name yesterday (but every few seconds while I was there, she would).
I hold her hand and softly whisper to her every day when I see her: “I love you, mom.”
It’s all huge. If you are reading this now, please pray for my mother’s peaceful passing. Thank you
