Finding the Light After Postpartum Depression — Cloud Nine Birth Services | Birth Doula Services | Postpartum Doula Services
“The darkness is complete.” I wrote that seven times in my journal just a few months after my third child was born. Depression and I have had a relationship for over a decade so we are not strangers but until that day, where I wrote those words, I never knew that sadness is so strong, so painful, so hopeless .
My baby boy came into the world in one of the most distressing fashions, an emergency c-section. He was in agony and his heartbeat increased to a dangerous level. After several hours in the hospital for observation and testing it was determined that she needed to be delivered as soon as possible. On Tuesday, I went to the hospital for a routine check-up and didn’t leave until Saturday. At that time, I had a beautiful baby boy taken from my body and I endured pain and fear that I did not know. I left him in the hospital for three more days and then I brought him home to complete our family of five.
Like his older brothers and sisters, my heart exploded when I saw him for the first time. He was sick and needed intensive care but he was mine and I knew him and he knew me and we were connected long before I held him in my arms. I never thought a c-section was necessary. I had two vaginal births and was ready to prove that I could push out my third baby in record time. I look forward to the birth. Labor and delivery and even pain precede incredible joy. When I was told I needed a c-section, I wanted to stop time. I want to help my baby get out of his gap position. I realized it wasn’t about what I wanted and really about what he needed. One day, while feeding her in the NICU, I was visited by a Psychologist who informed me that women who experience c-sections, especially emergency c-sections, are more prone to Postpartum Depression than women who deliver their babies. baby through vaginal. I was intrigued by this and grateful for his time and words that served as a warning for me.
When my little boy was two months old, and I began to physically recover after the c-section, I began to endure another pain; pain in my heart, mind and soul. A darkness that I later realized was actually Postpartum Depression. Day by day, the darkness seemed to increase, engulfing my body and mind until there was no more light to guide me to places of love or joy. I can’t remember the names of my best friends. I couldn’t move in my house without feeling like everything was out of place and my whole body ached. I remember sitting at my desk in my room, crying so hard and so hard that my husband checked me a dozen times and begged me to answer his questions. “What can I do?” “Are you planning to hurt yourself?” “Do I need to call someone?” I just keep shaking my head “No.” I was hoping that I would fall asleep and the darkness would just take me somewhere. I know I don’t want to die but I want to disappear. After crying and journaling for a while I fell asleep and woke up in the morning knowing I needed help.
I called my doctor and immediately went in to see him. After several weeks of treatment and counseling I began to feel light again. I began to see it in my sweet little girl’s eyes and her big brother’s smile. I can look at my brand new baby and see how miraculous his life is and how precious his little fingers are wrapped around one of mine. I began to come back from a place of pain and into a world of possibility.
Postpartum Depression almost consumed me. It told me I wasn’t strong enough or strong enough to handle motherhood. It tried to rob me of the joy and magic that was my new baby. Postpartum Depression told me that I was alone and that no one else in the world could understand my sadness. People who love me ask, “But why can’t you be happy?” They followed up that question with “You just gave birth and that should give you reason enough to be happy.” This Depression is not about choice or the inability to love, it is about me. Me needing time to adjust as a person with a soul and dreams and to adjust to being a mother of three. My body and mind had to adapt to the reality of a small, precious being that I had carried since his life began, left my body and left me in my heart bigger and weaker. Postpartum Depression was one of my unforgettable teachers. I will never forget the pain and I will never forget the darkness and I am thankful every day that I didn’t let it win.
