Chances are good that you know someone who is a single parent. But, did you know that the United States is home to the highest number of children in the world living in single-parent households? According to the US Census Bureau, 1 in 4 children in the US is raised without a father. Sure, fathers are single parents too, but statistics tell us that 80% of single parents are mothers.
Roland Warren, President and CEO of Care Net, was recently interviewed by Jim Daily on Focus on the Family about how to offer help and encouragement to single moms trying to raise boys. I encourage you to listen and watch the two-part interview. Below, you’ll find access to both full interviews along with some highlights for help and encouragement today.
Helping Single Moms Raise Boys (Part 1)
Roland Warren, raised by a single mother, offers encouragement for helping single mothers raise boys. He describes the importance of recognizing loss in this first interview.
Warren’s latest book is called Raising Children of Promise: A Guide for Single Mothers of Men and mothers are encouraged to raise future husbands and fathers.
Warren talks about single moms raising boys because she grew up without a father in her life. Warren explained her background made her think about the role of fathers and how important they are to the well-being of children. And, because of the fatherlessness crisis in our country, he was led to consider the role of single mothers. Because, in so many of those instances, dad might not come into the picture. “…If you’re going to break the cycle of fatherlessness, you definitely need to reach out to dads…but another key is helping mothers raise their sons—not just to be a good man but be a good husband and a good father. …” Warren said.
Acknowledge the Loss
Roland points out, the first step is acknowledging the loss—calling it what it is and not trying to reframe it or repackage it into something it’s not. Warren said, “You may need to admit that you are angry…we need to talk about pain and loss to begin to heal…a man made a promise to you and didn’t keep that promise. He made a promise. to your son and didn’t keep that promise…”
Roland shared a story about how he realized he needed to process his own loss:
“When I was president of the National Fatherhood Initiative, I told a story about going to my father’s funeral, my father was a pastor later in life and it changed his life. People were coming up to the pulpit at the funeral and saying the all these wonderful things about my father. I found myself getting angry and I didn’t know where it was coming from…we weren’t at odds or anything. Finally, this man came up and said, “It’s I was in jail and pastor Warren (my dad) came to me and taught me…” and I was ready to punch someone.”
Roland continued, “By this time…I had attended Princeton undergrad and Penn State for an MBA. I remember asking myself, “Do I have to go to jail to get my father’s love and attention ? In retrospect, I have unlearned how to process loss. It was important for my mom to help me process all of this…instead of just going through with it…giving that speech, crying in front of hundreds of people…I was only 10 years old- old boy waiting for a father who never showed up. I had a hole in my soul.”
A single mother has a duty to help her child cope with the process of loss and remain dependent on God—that God is an all-seeing and all-hearing God. You have a duty to teach and remind your child to keep that promise. That God sees you, hears you, and loves you. Despite the obstacles, God wants good for you and wants you to raise a son who will be a good husband and father.
Helping Single Moms Raise Boys (Part 2)
Warren moved from acknowledging the loss in the first interview, to how single mothers can connect with their sons and provide insight into what a husband and father should look like in part 2.
Discussing her latest book, Roland said, “One of my goals in writing this book is to help single mothers hear from their child—things that their child may not have or be able to hear. say—things I wanted to say. I wanted to tell my mom when I was 10 years old but I didn’t have the emotional intelligence or the verbal skills to say.” He continues, “The first part is about her journey. The second part is about his journey— his path and how to guide him—to give mom insight into the things he might be thinking—that he hasn’t expressed—so that you can be more intentional.”
Single mom: connect with your child
We know that boys and young men aren’t developing the way they should—all the data seems to say so. One of the main things is, early on, you want to make connections with your child. Be intentional in teaching your child John 14:18 where Christ said, “I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you.”
Provide a vision for your child
Create a vision for God’s design of marriage and fatherhood. Warren explains, “Your child is living in an environment that is the opposite—the opposite of what you want for him.” We need to be careful that we know what it takes to be a good husband and father, and teach those things to our children.
For example, even though your child’s father may not keep his promises, set the standard that your word is your bond. Teach your child that a godly husband and father keeps his promises.
Warren shared a story about his father,
“My dad was supposed to pick me up for ice cream. I remember waiting and waiting. I can still see myself waiting under this tree for him to come. He never showed. I have to admit, my heart sank at that moment that’s because I was crying and told myself…I’m never going to cry about this again. Then, I lowered my expectations so I wouldn’t get hurt again.”
When a promise is broken by a father, your child may begin to believe that he is not worthy of people who keep promises for him. Single mothers have an important role because your child needs to come to you and explain that pain. Your role is important, to help him process that pain. Don’t be afraid as a single mother to accept the hurt and talk to your child about how important it is to keep the promises made. Use these challenges as teaching moments to teach the God who is always there, the One whose promises are made are promises kept.
