They say it takes a village to raise a baby, but “village” looks different in our modern society, and getting the help you need can be difficult.
Sometimes, the loneliness of motherhood can surprise you. Suddenly you got it all new responsibilities and fewer people who understand. Getting some friends to respond to plans can be more difficult, especially if they don’t have children.
People don’t understand how isolated it is that there is no postnatal care for mothers, whether the new mother is alone or with a partner.
The worst part is that visitors often come to see the baby, not the mother. I’ve had times where people come over to sit and have fun — which is nice, but I wish I could “rest” instead of getting up and doing chores. Honestly, I’m just exhausting myself more when I should be resting and enjoying the company of my loved ones.
They didn’t understand what I meant when I said I needed help.
If I could do it over again, I would start motherhood knowing the techniques that encourage people to help me. People want to help deep down — the issue may be that they don’t know how.
I learned that I needed to tell others what I needed instead of expecting them to understand what new moms wanted. If I could go back, here are some things I would tell myself.
Tips for getting the help you need after birth
- Make a to-do list
- Ask for a train for food
- Communicate directly
- Consider seeing a professional
- Schedule calls to loved ones
Lack of support after having a baby seems like a universal experience. I know I’m not the only one who has felt terribly alonestuck with all my old, unwanted responsibilities while trying to bond with my newborn and cherish that time with them.
People in my circle who are not parents or haven’t had children in a long time need more help to understand exactly what i needed.
1. Make a list of chores
Remember when I mentioned how I found myself doing chores when people visit me? It shouldn’t be like that. I should have enjoyed my time with my loved ones and my baby, prioritizing rest after a long labor.
Because of this, I started making little to-do lists and asking my guests to help with the little things. A to-do list can help you prioritize which tasks you need to do first and show others how much you need to do something.
Although I would never ask my guests to do anything like clean the bathrooms, asking them to fold a load of baby laundry can give them something to do without stretching them too much.
2. Ask for a train for food
I hate cooking when I have better things to do. Enjoying your time with your newborn is one of the most important parts of life, and People should want to take as much stress out of you as possible. If people bring us food in times of sorrow, why can’t they do it in times of celebration?
One of the incredible things I did was reach out to family and close friends for a food train. That way, everyone can sit down to a nice, warm meal and catch up with loved ones. People eat with others — like family members — have lower rates of depressionbecause it ensures that they spend time with people who love and bond with them.
Although not the healthiest option, even fast food is great, as it ensures that I eat a full meal on a busy day. You can find some tips for takeout (and 40+ postpartum recipes) here in Postpartum Nutrition Guide.
3. Communicate any lack of post-baby support
Push your passive aggression to the side. If you want others to respect you and give them respect for each other, you will have to be open and honest with them.
Unfortunately, while it may be it’s easier to communicate passive-aggressively because you don’t have to make yourself vulnerable, the lack of support after giving birth needs to be addressed directly so you can get the help you need.
Related: A Couple’s Guide to Effective Communication After Baby
4. Start seeing a professional
Postpartum care for mothers varies depending on the person and what they need. I’m a social butterfly, so I like having people around me more often than not. Feeling alone can wreak havoc on mental health, and conditions like Postpartum depression can be difficult navigate alone.
If I could go back, I would have started addressing my mental health concerns sooner.
Depending on where you live, meeting a professional face-to-face may not be realistic. Since 80% of rural areas without access to a psychiatrist, opting for an online appointment may be best.
If you feel lonely and depressed, don’t keep it inside. Address this to a professional and the person you trust. It might just help you feel yourself again.
It hurts to open up, but telling others about your mental health is the best way to hear. I was embarrassed when I first talked to my loved ones, but the truth is they didn’t know I was suffering.
That’s when I realized that they would help immediately if they knew I was struggling. I’m only hurting myself by keeping it in my heart for so long.
5. Schedule calls to loved ones
If you’re like me, you might think you don’t have time to talk on the phone. However, I thought about that talking on the phone while breastfeeding or feeding is a way to recharge my social battery and feel supported.
You can call your loved ones bring you comfort when you feel alone and encourage you to plan with them for the future. I love talking with my family members, because it definitely leads us to making plans for something. This gives me something to look forward toeven if the days feel the longest.
Teach others that postpartum moms deserve support
You’re not a bad mom for feeling like you need a break. That lesson took me a while to learn, especially since I’m quite independent and take pride in doing things on my own.
However, I realized a lot times when I can rely on others. Postpartum care for mothers usually relies on me knowing myself and what I need, and people are happy to oblige.
Motherhood doesn’t have to be lonely. Although you will experience difficult days, you can still enjoy being a new mother of your child and reconnect with loved ones you haven’t talked to in a while.
Just remember reach out for help. Your family and friends love you and want to see you succeed, and they want to support you and your new baby. Advocate for yourself is a great way for you and your loved ones to reunite!
Other articles that may help you
Article references
Anderson, Jill. “The Benefits of Family Mealtime.” Harvard Graduate School of EducationApr 1 2020, http://www.gse.harvard.edu/ideas/edcast/20/04/benefit-family-mealtime.
Barnes, Mia. “Essential Elements of a Productive Daily Routine.” Body+Mind MagazineBody+Mind Magazine, 1 Feb. 2023, http://bodymind.com/essential-elements-of-a-productive-day-routine/.
“Why Telepsychiatry is Important for Mental Health.” TeleSpecialists, LLC15 September 2021, http://tstelemed.com/why-telepsychiatry-is-so-crucial/.
“3 Reasons to Call a Friend Today.” Centers for Disease Control and PreventionCenters for Disease Control and Prevention, 23 Dec. 2020, http://blogs.cdc.gov/publichealthmatters/2020/12/call-friends/.
