Being a surrogate and helping another family grow is a life-changing experience for everyone involved. When a woman becomes a surrogate, not only he embark on this journey, but his entire family – and his immediate community – do as well. Ensuring that a surrogate has surrounding support from his or her spouse, children and family is an important part of the decision-making process.
How to Talk to Your Spouse or Partner About Surrogacy
If you are interested in becoming a surrogate, you may want to consider bringing up the subject with your spouse or partner as soon as possible. Think about what got you interested in surrogacy in the first place: do you have a friend who is a surrogate and loves her experience? Do you know someone struggling with infertility and think you can help? Do you want others to feel the way you did when you had your own babies? Whatever brought the idea of being a surrogate to you, that’s what you can share with your spouse/partner. What is important to you, will be important to them.
It’s a good idea to involve your spouse or partner in your surrogacy experience from the beginning. Sitting down together to research surrogacy, how much a surrogacy will pay, surrogacy agencies and more will allow you to learn together about what’s to come. Write a list of questions together that you want answered. Listen to the concerns your partner may have, and explore and educate yourself together.
At Circle, part of the surrogate application process is having the surrogate’s primary supporter (usually her partner or spouse if she is married) participate in a one-hour call with a social worker. This call allows the partner/spouse to ask questions, voice concerns, and hear firsthand what to expect during the surrogacy journey, and what his or her responsibilities will be.
If you want to be a surrogate, share that with your partner/spouse. Show them how amazing surrogacy is, and the impact it has on others.
How to Talk to Your Children About Surrogacy
Some of the best advice we’ve heard from our experienced surrogates about telling their children about their surrogacy journeys is to be open, honest, and age-appropriate. The way you share with your 4 year old about being a surrogate will be different than how you tell your 11 year old. Remember that what you are doing is an amazing thing, and that should be reflected in your tone and voice and words.
No one knows your children better than you, so you’ll know the right time – and the right way – to tell them about your surrogacy. Just starting the conversation is a great first step; letting your kids know that you have friends who need help having a baby and that you’re thinking about helping them have a great family. This is also a good time to show your children how important it is to be a generous and compassionate person. Introduce your children to your intended parents so they can see who is taking the baby their mama is carrying.
As you begin to reveal your pregnancy, it may become more real to your children and require more conversations about how you’re not keeping the baby because it’s not yours, and how the baby isn’t coming home from the hospital to live in your home (this is especially true for younger children). Referring to the baby as “So and So’s baby” will help.
Involving your children in the process is a great way to help them understand what surrogacy – and being a surrogate – means. Invite them on video calls with your intended parents so they can keep seeing who the baby’s parents will be, name your surro babe after them or even read or sing to the baby.
See how our surrogates share their journeys with their children this blog post.
How Surrogate Pay Works
When sharing your decision to become a surrogate with family and friends, the topic of compensation — and how much a surrogate earns — is likely to come up. Surrogates are compensated for their emotional, mental and physical dedication to the surrogacy journey.
Surrogate pay consists of a base pay of $30,000-$40,000, plus additional payments and benefits for a total of up to $50,000-$60,000 or more. And while the financial benefits of being a surrogate are wonderful, money is not the motivating factor for women to become surrogates; women become surrogates because of their desire to help others achieve what they love most: parenthood.
Here’s a great one destruction of surrogate pay and how it works. You can also share this video with family and friends.
Books About Surrogacy
A great way to introduce the concept of surrogacy to your children (and family!) is by reading books together. There are many books available that cover the topic of surrogacy that can be part of an activity you do together.
Here is a short list of books surrogates can share with their families:
Answering Questions About Surrogacy
When you’re ready to share the news about being a surrogate outside of your inner circle of support, you should be prepared to answer all kinds of questions. I hope everyone you share your news with will be happy for you, but you may meet some people who are less familiar, or have different thoughts. Often people who are less receptive to surrogacy may not fully understand it, or know enough about it. Educating them is key, and sharing why you do what you do. This blog post is a great resource full of tips about sharing your journey and answering questions about surrogacy.
Thinking about applying to be a surrogate? Learn more about surrogacy and the process at Circle by clicking here. You can also learn more about what a surrogate primary supporter does on our website.
And if you’re ready to apply, we’re ready to chat with you! Fill out your application here.
