You’ve been given the green light to resume sex at your six-week postpartum visit, but you just don’t feel like it. Sound familiar? You’re not alone, and there’s nothing wrong with needing more time.
This article was written and reviewed by Licensed Professional Counselor and Coach Anna Palacios of Tightrope Therapy.
Not ready for sex postpartum? Here’s what to know:
- Only 32% of people have sex six weeks after birth
- Hormones, lack of sleep, and feeling agitated can affect your desire
- Oxytocin (the bonding hormone) is released through skin-to-skin and breastfeeding, so you may not need your partner to meet this need.
- Communication with your partner is key during this time
Postpartum sex is more than physical. You may love your partner but not be ready for sex. Your body has been through a lot during pregnancy, childbirth, and postpartum, and the healing process can be less glamorous.
You’re still adjusting to your new postpartum body, where everyone looks and feels a little different. Maybe you body feels like it’s not yours if it is used to feed a baby 24/7.
And above all – the exhaustion, lack of sleep, feeling touched outand burden of caring for a newborn can affect your desire for sex.
Although most women who give birth are given the green light for intercourse at 6 to 8 weeks postpartum, research shows that about 32% of people actually resumed intercourse during this time, most delay intercourse because they are not ready.
You may also feel pleasure in other ways. Oxytocin (the bonding hormone) released through sex is also experienced through touch, including breastfeeding and skin-to-skin contact.
All the snuggles with your baby can trigger your brain to release this feel-good hormoneand your oxytocin cup may feel fulfilled by your baby and crave this hormone less from your partner.
Tips for telling your partner you’re not ready for sex after birth
So, what do you do if you need more time but aren’t sure how to communicate that to your partner? here is five helpful tips that I share with my clients as a mental health therapist and coach for mothers.
- Communicate clearly
- Make time for each other
- Focus on general intimacy (not just sex)
- Take care of each other’s needs
- Check in with each other periodically
1. Communicate with clarity
Clear and direct communication about your feelings and what happens to your body is important to maintaining trust in your relationship.
2. Make time for each other
Investing in each one will help you feel like a couple rather than roommates sharing childcare responsibilities.
3. Focus on intimacy, not just sex
Intimacy exists on a spectrum, and there is there are many ways to express love for each other and produce oxytocin. Spend time getting close with hugs, cuddles, kisses, and massages without pressure.
4. Take care of each other’s needs
Your partner’s desire for sex is often about more than sex. I miss them you and you want to feel close, valued, and seen. Maybe they feel left out because their role is taken behind the bond you now have with your baby.
Help them meet their needs by helping them feel valued and connected.
5. Check in periodically – with yourself and your partner
Ask yourself how you feel and figure out where your reluctance is coming from so you can communicate that to your partner.
Keeping your partner updated on how you’re doing, how your sex drive is looking, and how they can support you outside the bedroom to help you feel ready for touch and intimacy can be helpful.
Related: Marriage Problems After Baby and How to Solve Them
Final words of encouragement
At the end of the day, know that your postpartum journey and sex timeline is yours. Your body has been through a lot, and it’s okay to need some time off. Talk to your partner about your feelings and seek professional support if needed.
Other articles that may help you
Article references
Tria Astika Endah Permatasari, et al. “The Relationship between Oxytocin Levels with Empathy and Intention to Breastfeed in Female Medical Students: A Cross-Sectional Study.” Annals of Medicine and SurgeryUnpublished by Elsevier, 28 Aug. 2022, www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/S2049080122012468.
Delgado-Pérez, Esther, et al. “Recovery of Sexuality after Childbirth. What Strategies Do Women Adopt? A Qualitative Study.” International Journal of Environmental Research and Public HealthUS National Library of Medicine, 15 Jan. 2022, www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC8775547/.
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