How was your surrogate pregnancy different from that of carrying your own children?

My Surrogacy Pregnancy vs. My Own Pregnancy

No two pregnancies are the same. Even for those who have been pregnant more than once, their birth stories can be different. The same can be said when carrying your own child and carrying a child as a gestational carrier. They don’t always have the same experience.

Are Surrogate Pregnancies More Difficult?

The reasons why these pregnancies are so different are often misunderstood by others. There are some problematic misconceptions of what a carrier surrogacy pregnancy is really like.

One of those misconceptions is that surrogate pregnancies are physically harder and more demanding on the surrogate’s body.

I don’t think there’s anything about carrying a baby for someone else that automatically makes pregnancy difficult. One pregnancy can be more difficult than another, but that can happen to a woman carrying her own child or a surrogacy baby. Nothing in my surrogacy pregnancy challenged me more than when I was an expectant mother. Complications can arise regardless of the woman’s relationship with the baby.

Ways That Made My Surrogacy Pregnancy Easier

But surrogacy pregnancies aren’t always the same experience as personal pregnancies. And in some ways, carrying someone else’s baby was easier for me. Recovery, for example, looks very different to me as a surrogate compared to having my own children.

Surrogates tend to get more rest during their maternity leave. No waking up every few hours at night to feed the newborn, no learning a new routine and schedule. Surrogates often slide almost seamlessly back into their normal lives after delivery.

I think this is especially true for surrogates who undergo cesarean. Maternity leave offers surrogates recovering from surgery in a different way than when they brought the baby home.

Recovery from my surrogate pregnancy looked and felt very different than when I brought my own babies home. There were two past C-sections, I gave my body more than what it needed after my surrogacy delivery, which was also a C-section. I felt back to my normal self faster than I had after my two other cesareans because I was able to rest and heal.

Surrogates actually get the better end of the deal when it comes to the preparation part of being an expectant parent. As I was halfway through my surrogacy pregnancy, there were no long-term budgets to review and no interviews with prospective daycares. I no longer had to prepare a nursery or buy countless diapers, wipes, bottles, and other essential newborn supplies.

As much fun as it is to pick out new things for the baby, I personally appreciate not having to do it all a third time.

Other Differences in My Surrogacy Pregnancy

The biggest physical difference between my surrogate pregnancy and carrying my own children was the fact that I monitored very close before and during. I had to complete a med cycle and go through more tests, like bloodwork and a pre-transfer ultrasound. I attended more prenatal ultrasounds leading up to the birth. None of these, however, were overly difficult or added unusual stressors to the pregnancy.

And even if a surrogate is paid by the intended parents, that doesn’t mean they are at the whim of the parents. I still have a voice in how my journey went. The difference is that I work with the intended parents here. My comfort was a main point of discussion with intended fathers from the start.

How does the surrogate see the delivery? Who will attend the birth? Will parents be allowed in the room at prenatal appointments? These types of questions are asked at various stages in the journey, perhaps on more than one occasion. Conversations were held and plans were made to ensure that all parties, including the surrogate, were comfortable.

The Reality of Alternate Pregnancies

Emotions between the two types of pregnancy can also be different for surrogates. Sometimes surrogates are considered emotionless, which is why it’s so easy for them to hand over a baby they’ve just taken out and delivered. That couldn’t be further from the truth.

All in all, I believe that surrogates are naturally emotional people. We are so overwhelmed with emotions that we can put our own feelings aside to help others.

Right, I said, “put aside our feelings.” Because even if the baby is not ours, we still bond with the baby. A surrogate still connects with and loves the sweet little life growing inside, all while knowing full well that the child belongs to someone else.

I went through my alternate pregnancies in a certain headspace. I knew from the beginning that the baby was not mine and that I would leave the hospital childless. This is the name of the game. That said, a stream of connecting feelings cemented my place in the baby’s life and the baby in mine.

Women who give their bodies for the sake of another family are incredibly strong, both physically and emotionally. While it may seem frivolous or heartless to give up something so important, a gestational carrier doesn’t see or feel it. That precious thing is the real gift and giving that gift to another person is a gift in itself. There is no nonsense in that.

And let’s not forget about the dreaded postpartum monster. Yes, alternates can be experienced postpartum depression o anxiety. Postpartum depression and anxiety do not discriminate. It does not know the difference between a new mother and a gestational carrier. It can strike regardless.

Completing the Surrogacy Journey

I myself went through a strange kind of transition. For over a year, surrogacy has been a driving force for me, something I’m proud to be a part of. And suddenly it ended. I don’t know what to do with myself for a few weeks after delivery. Fortunately, I recovered, came back to myself, and life took over. I was pulled back into the normal flow of things and managed to shake it off.

However, there is a bright side to this rather sad reality. Surrogates going through something as difficult as postpartum mental and emotional recovery have resources available. Mental health services are generally available to surrogates before, during, and after the baby comes into the world.

If you think about it, being a surrogate is like being a cool aunt. You will be with the baby for a while, then return the baby to their rightful parents. There is a sense of responsibility to care for and protect the baby. This is only temporary. And the long-term responsibility rests with the parents. Often referred to as intensive childcare, a surrogate actually gets on with their life as a baby grows, usually with little interruption.

When all is said and done, however difficult or easy it may be, the surrogate has another birth story to tell. The good and the bad and the breathtakingly beautiful.