(Sarah Terzo – Substack) Jacqueline Middler had two abortions and deeply regretted them. He wrote his book, White Stick, to tell about her abortion. (All quotes below are from this book.)
Middler became pregnant during her freshman year of college. He doesn’t know what to do but is inclined to choose life. Then she talked to a friend who had an abortion.
The friend said there were many things Middler wouldn’t be able to do if she had a baby. She won’t finish college, she’ll lose her scholarship, and her boyfriend, whom she wants to marry, will break up with her.
Middler said, “But I can’t kill my baby.” (p. 30)
The friend told her there was no baby, just cells. Middler wrote, “Finally, words that comfort me. A baby won’t kill me – just a bunch of cells.” (p. 31)
The information on fetal development below is from The Endowment for Human Developmenta non-religious site not affiliated with the pro-life movement, and National Geographic DVD The Biology of Human Development, which can be purchased here.
Midler didn’t know she was a preborn the baby’s heart beats at 21 days, and some scientists think it starts even earlier. He did not know that there was a child in the womb right or left hand at eight weeks, or at 10 weeks the baby with fingerprints and sucking his thumb.
Middler had his doubts, but he put them to rest. If she had an abortion, he reasoned, no one would know. He can continue his life as if nothing happened.
When Middler told her parents of her decision, they said they disagreed, but would support her choice. Middler remembers that they wanted to come in and stop her from having an abortion, or at least give her more direction. But the entire burden of choice was placed on his shoulders.
Middler says, “[I] my heart has been hardened… Once I have made up my mind, I have not wavered. I became like a soldier going into battle, determined to win and get my life back on track.” (p. 32)
In boot camp, military recruits are taught to put aside their feelings about killing. The natural resistance to killing people is broken. (I wrote about it in my article on Vietnam War atrocities and military training.)
Whether through abortion or through war, it is not human nature to kill. People must suppress their instincts and harden their hearts to do this.
Middler bled after the abortion. She begins to see her abortion as killing a baby:
[M]The constant pain and loss of blood reminded me of what I had done. Inside the discharge from my body were bits of tissue, and I wondered what part of my baby they represented. (p. 42)
He suffered emotionally and became addicted to drugs and alcohol:
I cried a lot. I hope to never think about my choice again, but now I think about it every second of every day.
I couldn’t share these thoughts with anyone… As the ugly head of my grief and pain roared to crush me, I dropped it back into the little place in my heart where I let it reign. If the noise is too loud, I reach for drugs or alcohol to quiet the pain.
On the outside, I looked the same… But inside I was forced to process the shame and guilt. Anyway, I finished the term and started packing to go home.
While I was on that plane, I was not the same girl who went to school. My inner self was damaged, hardened, and numbed by my choices and my drug use…By taking my baby’s life, some of my own life died as well. (pp. 42-43)
Middler became very promiscuous after her abortion, going to parties, drinking and doing drugs, and going home with different men.
At one point, she managed to stay sober for a few months, and found out she was pregnant again. She “celebrated” her decision to have another abortion by drinking again. He got drunk and used marijuana.
At the time, she thought that excessive drinking and drugs had harmed her baby. She said she “didn’t want the baby to suffer in this life with physical deformities or mental disabilities, so ending her life before it began seemed like a good thing to do.” (pp. 52-53).
Years later, he admitted to himself:
These thoughts had nothing to do with the baby’s welfare but everything to do with my own desire not to be bothered by a spoiled baby.
I know that my life is forever tied to the father of this baby. I know she wants to be a part of the baby’s life. But I know I don’t want to be tied to anyone. I was too numb to think about anyone but myself. (p. 53)
Things got worse for her after the second abortion. He said, “I felt more than broken – I felt destroyed. In this dark place, I see no light, no hope.”…
Continue reading the full article here.
Editor’s Note: This article was originally published on The Substack by Sarah Terzo and reprinted here with permission.
