Many people assume that men are not affected by abortion. However, looking at the real stories of men and abortion shows something else.
It’s my body, my choice, not men and abortion. Abortion is a women’s issue, and you have no voice if you don’t have a uterus. At least, that’s what the rhetoric says.
Pro-choice advocates have done their best to silence male voices in the abortion debate, stating that the only person who matters in this discussion is the pregnant woman. Only women are allowed to express their opinions. After all, it only affects him. It’s his body, so in the end, it’s up to him to decide. But is he really the only one affected?
And where does that leave men? This leaves them marginalized, ignored, and excluded from the discussion. As a society, the conversation about abortion mainly surrounds women; on the surface, it makes sense. We will carry the pregnancy, we will endure the abortion, and we will face the consequences. All of that is true, but it is disingenuous to say that the decision to have an abortion does not affect men. When the child is conceived, the woman becomes a mother, and the man becomes a father.
The Recovery Process
As Director of Abortion Recovery and Care Care Net, I have had the privilege of working with women and men walking through the abortion recovery process. Recently, I had the opportunity to work with four post-abortive men on a men’s recovery study. Listening to their stories and getting to know them, I found my heart breaking in a different way. As a woman who chose to have an abortion, I know the far-reaching impact that decision has on my own life.
I know the lies I believed and the coping mechanisms I used to get through the day. What I don’t understand is that men carry the same pain, the same sadness, but in a different way. Men will tell you that the abortion decision changed the way they operate in the world.
We like to use the car wreck analogy in our study of women’s recovery: Choosing abortion is like being in a car wreck. The windshield is broken, but it’s safety glass, so it doesn’t fall. You can still see through it, sort of. Looking through the broken glass, our perception of the world is broken, and we run from this broken perspective. I asked the men if this example resonated with them. Everyone definitely said yes, it does! But one gentleman stepped forward. He said, “Not only do we drive with a broken windshield, but when we get home, we look at ourselves through the broken glass. Our whole sense of self is broken. We are broken.” It stopped me in my tracks. It was a proverbial ‘mic drop’ moment.
This launched a robust discussion about how their worldview has changed. We talked about the stages of grief and how society does not allow women the space to acknowledge and grieve the loss of their aborted children. Abortion should be our first, best option. We should celebrate how much stronger we are because of it. If we, as women, should not view abortion as the death of our children, how should men view it?
After all, we told them to sit down and shut up, that it didn’t affect them. But that is part of the lie. I saw the profound impact abortion had on these men’s lives.
Each of them taught me how the abortion changed the way they made decisions. Fear, lack, anxiety, and frustration became the lenses through which they viewed the world. Anger becomes their default position because they operate from a wrong perspective and internalize these negative aspects. It’s easier to get angry than hurt.
Stronger Together
While we were talking about anger, the men shared how they made the breakthroughs in their lives. It started with another man walking beside them. When asked what helped them the most, they all had the same answer: when another man shared his abortion experience. They see that they are not alone in their struggle and that there is HOPE! That hope was found in the Gospel and because there was another man willing to walk with him.
One said, “People like us (with previous abortions) have learned to be alone through years of isolation and pain. We are good at being alone on the outside but secretly despise the fact that we don’t have real friends. Anger and pride drive us apart when what we really need are other men to be with us. We are stronger together.”
Most men don’t know where to turn for help, and frankly, there’s not much available to them yet. I’m happy to say that’s changing, and there are several male abortion recovery studies out there, including Care Net’s Reclaiming Fatherhood being up to date. This Bible-based study is anchored in the work of Aborted paternity and was greatly influenced by these men. Their lived experiences – the devastation that abortions caused in their lives, the anger and shame that always accompanied them, were all overcome by the saving grace of Jesus Christ.
The body of Christ must help those who are hurting. We don’t have to look far to find men suffering in silence because of an abortion decision. Care Net’s 2021 study revealed that nearly 50% of the 1,000 men we surveyed were in church at least once a month at the time of their partner’s first abortion. The walking wounded are in our churches, shot down in their walk with Christ and unable to fully lead and serve.
I am firmly convinced that when men are healed and whole and leading in the way God intended, the tide will completely change, and abortion will no longer be accepted as an option.
Additional Resources:
Jill Marquis is the Director of Abortion Recovery and Care for Care Net. She has worked in abortion recovery and pregnancy center ministry for over a decade. If you or someone you know is struggling as a result of a previous abortion, recovery resources are available at AbortionHealing.org. We will be happy to connect you with a recovery leader in your area.
