A Survivor Story
(Anonymous)
Trigger warning: this story contains pregnancy/baby loss details.
My experience with perinatal mood disorder was different than most parents. For one thing, I’m a doctor, so I’ve seen childbirth up close and personal. Although I have always pictured myself having children, I am concerned about pregnancy because I worry about adverse health outcomes. After doing some soul-searching and lots of discussion with my husband, I decided to have a little faith in the Universe and we tried for a baby. Even though the pregnancy was difficult and I experienced a lot of anxiety, it was the most satisfying thing in the world to feel my baby (girl!) kicking. It is an absolutely devastating outcome when the pregnancy is found to be incompatible with life at 20 weeks. Not only was I shocked and devastated by the outcome, I experienced significant hormonal changes. I was irritable and eventually fell into depression. I used to be a doctor and now I’m the patient. I felt so helpless when I turned to my Primary Care Physician, Ob/Gyn, and Psychiatrist for support. I needed treatment with SSRIs. It took time to titrate the drug to a small dose that was suitable for me, and even then I didn’t like the side effects. I also sought help from a therapist and after giving it some time and learning some coping strategies, I was able to get off the SSRI.
We sought answers from our doctors about what happened to our daughter and even completed genetic testing. We were told the issue was an unfortunate, unexpected occurrence and will not happen again. After a few months, my husband and I considered all the information we had and decided to try again for a baby. Soon after, I got pregnant again (this time, a boy!). I also experienced anxiety during this pregnancy, but once again the baby kicking made it all worth it. Unfortunately, the pregnancy had an equally devastating outcome at 20 weeks. I can’t explain to anyone who hasn’t been through it how hard it is to lose a baby who has been kicking for weeks. The bond I experienced with both of my children was primal and special – I still can’t believe I lost them both the way I did. The same day I lost my baby, I also experienced postpartum hemorrhage and was taken to the ER by ambulance. I ended up needing an emergency hysterectomy (which means my uterus was surgically removed). I was only 26 years old then.
The stressors in my marriage were too much, or maybe they brought up issues that had been there all along, and my husband and I ended up divorcing. My life stressors combined with the hormonal crash after pregnancy were just put on hold, unbearable. I was dealing with severe anxiety that made me uncomfortable living in my skin. Again, I turned to my healthcare team for help and found support in other people’s stories.
Piece by piece, I began to put my life back together. I sought therapy to process everything that had happened to me and learned breathing techniques and relaxation techniques to help with my anxiety. I also started taking Buspirone which has been an absolute savior for my anxiety.
Some time passed, I started thinking about what I should do next. After thinking about how I could use my medical training to help others in the way I found most meaningful, I decided to pursue clinical training in psychiatry. I understand how helpful psychiatrists have been for me in my darkest moments and I want to give back. PSI inspired me to complete my residency training in psychiatry to help other people dealing with perinatal mood disorders. It’s inspiring to see a community built to help people facing these disorders. To all those with peripartum mood disorders, I wish you all the best. I was there myself, looking into the face of the abyss, and I felt that it could not get better. But I keep moving forward, one step at a time, and with the support of my resources and community, I’m still here and embracing the life I’ve been given. I wish you all the best in your travels.
