“Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say ‘no’ when they have to, and when they say ‘yes,’ they mean it. They are compassionate because their boundaries prevent them from holding grudges.” – Brené Brown
When considering boundaries in interpersonal relationships, people often express anxiety, guilt, and avoidance. They often cite concerns about hurting others’ feelings, not meeting social expectations, and shame about having their own needs met. Many people view boundaries as optional, rather than an endemic part of any relationship, and engage in a kind of hypocrisy to tacitly hold limits to others without actually acknowledging them.
Boundaries are not only what we preserve, but also a declaration of what we preserve. When we listen to ourselves – to our own sweet needs, sensibilities, and instincts – we not only protect ourselves from things that feel harmful or overtaxing, we also preserve our strength and integrity and affirm our self-esteem. Boundaries also connect us to the resilience and flexibility of others, and nurture healthy and sustainable relationships.
It’s helpful to remember that harm can be caused by saying “yes” when you mean “no.” Others may feel resentment, confusion, and reticence associated with a false “yes,” often experienced as inauthentic, unkind, or unsupportive. Furthermore, avoiding small “no’s” often leads to a big, explosive, and perhaps even more painful “no.” For example, if you are someone who really needs and values ”alone time,” it can be a gift to your family if you clearly communicate that need – and your expectation that your family will give you space. in a specific part of your daily routine – rather than creating that space in a more dangerous and denying way through irritation or anger.
Setting boundaries during the postpartum period
The perinatal period is a time of great upheaval for individuals, partnerships, families, and the systems and relationships that surround them. Expectations and roles need to accommodate these changes and find new rhythms. New parents or parents-to-be are often confused by changes in their identities and relationships while also enduring intense stress that makes it difficult to communicate effectively, manage, and maintain necessary boundaries.
This can be especially challenging in partnerships as parents adjust to the incredible needs of a new baby. It can be helpful to set aside a weekly time to check in about meeting each other’s needs and dividing responsibilities equally. Start with a nonverbal coregulating activity (eg, breathing back to back for 10 breaths; a short meditation or mental activity; a short joint savasana; dancing together for a song). Focus the meeting on specific activities and tasks (rather than personal traits or long-held narratives that usually include always/never types of statements) to diffuse tension and provide space for creative solutions. Within that context, practice sharing expectations and limits directly, clearly, and consistently. Partners working to balance nighttime feeding responsibilities might say, “This time seems more manageable for me if I can have a 4-hour uninterrupted period of sleep. Can you address any baby needs from 10pm – 2 am?” (instead of, “I’m always stuck covering at night and I’m sick of it. You’re on duty tonight!”).
When managing boundaries with extended family, friends, and other communities, it can be helpful to begin by clarifying your own needs and values (e.g., needing to arrange social obligations around the schedule of your baby’s sleep). Communicate your limits and expectations directly, if possible *in advance of a potential conflict*, and in a non-judgmental manner. For example, “Holidays will be different for us now that we have a baby. It’s best for us to go for breakfast and gifts and leave before bedtime” (instead of avoiding the conversation altogether and feeling bad that the event was planned when your baby would normally nap) .
Take care of yourself
After taking that uncomfortable step of setting a limit, exhale through the discomfort and concern about the impact of your boundaries on others. Rest in the compassionate awareness that we are all doing our best to balance our own personalities and sensibilities with those around us. Then move on – focus your attention on the next task, conversation, or request. That shift recognizes that setting boundaries is a routine, expected thing to do. Notice and appreciate the deep satisfaction that comes from knowing and taking good care of yourself.
As you become more skilled at communicating your own boundaries, practice accepting others with grace and acceptance. When the other person’s needs and limitations are surprising or offensive, it is helpful to practice depersonalization (eg, “This person’s need to complete a social interaction at a certain time is not a reflection of how much they value our relationship, but rather a response to their own biorhythms”) and empathy (“how do I want someone to respond to me when I express a need or limitation?”). Cultivating normality and safety around these conversations supports you and the other in meeting and respecting each other’s needs, which in turn builds trust and stability in the relationship.
When you inevitably encounter someone who doesn’t accept or respect your boundaries well, remember the beautiful words of Anne Lamotte: “‘No’ is a complete sentence.”
When setting a boundary, you don’t have to repeatedly explain or defend yourself. Instead, communicate through your actions. You have the autonomy to determine what you allow into your space and where you put your time, energy, and resources. Calmly and consistently hold your limits through clear, concise, and repetitive communication (eg, “Our family can come over for breakfast and not later than 11:00”). Instead of focusing on how others behave (“You don’t think about us when you plan things”), develop boundaries that focus on your own behavior (“We want to spend time with you and we plan to do that from 8: 30-11:00”).
We will always, in our own separateness, encounter and bounce off the separateness of others. Bringing the acceptance, and respect of others *and yourself* to that process is a beautiful gift to the world.
Amy Harris is a licensed psychologist in private practice focused on treating perinatal mood and anxiety disorders and people diagnosed with cancer. She is interested in the existential questions that emerge in liminal spaces and enjoys supporting her clients in finding meaning and growth through major life changes.
