Almost 9 months ago (perhaps not a coincidence!) we shared some thoughts with you about Sex after the transition to parenthood.
We’re here to pick up where that conversation left off. Our team talks about sex with each other, with our clients, and with colleagues in the field. And we have a lot to say that we think you’ll want to hear.
What does “sex” mean?
Before we dig in– let’s define what we mean when we talk about sex. Here’s the thing: it doesn’t matter what we mean when we use this term. What you and your partner mean is important. When our clients say “we don’t have sex anymore…” the first question we ask is “how do you define sex?” We know the question pulls a lot: sexual identities, beliefs, history, and more. For cisgendered, hetero-identifying, monogamous folks–sex can mean something very specific, often intimate intercourse between partners. For other couples who may not fall under these limitations, saying “we’re not having sex” may have a different meaning. It’s important that you and your partner are on the same page about defining what sex means to both of you, and that requires conversation.
When people indicate that they are having trouble with their sexual connection, we understand that it is a challenge with many layers. And often the mother/parturient and the partner are both overwhelmed with fear, worry, and concern about the same things, coming from different angles.
Postpartum Sexual Challenges
There are 3 main areas we try to discover in clients when they say they are unhappy with their sex life.
1. The physical act itself.
For mothers and people who have recently (or not recently) given birth to a baby, they may be challenged by illness or other physiological changes associated with pregnancy and the birthing process. They may worry: “What if it hurts? What if the sensations I used to enjoy are no longer good for me? Or what if my body is different for my partner, and they don’t want to be intimate with me now? What if it feels/tastes/smells differently to them, and they don’t like it? Partners may worry: “What if I hurt them? What if the things we used to do no longer work for them? What if I try to do something and it creates hurt or distance? What if I’m no longer attractive to them now that they’ve gone through this big change?”
Our friends at OWN Your Pelvic Health are Pelvic floor OTs who have great tips for navigating the complex physical task of re-entering sexual connection after having a baby. (We’re excited for our upcoming Instagram live chat with it on this very topic.)!
2. Desire
Whenever people come into the therapy room and talk about problems in their sex life, we always ask them about desire: their desire and their partner’s desire, before pregnancy, during pregnancy, and in the postpartum period and beyond. Some people assume that desire must be a spontaneous, self-motivated experience. For many people, sexual desire is reactive, and arises in response to certain circumstances and stimuli. We tend to have very gendered expectations about desire when thinking about heteronormative relationships. We develop unrealistic, rigid expectations about how often we should desire sexual connection. We wonder what it means about us if we have difficulty connecting with sexual desire. We wonder what it means about us if our partners don’t desire us as much and as intensely as we do them. We see differences as bad, scary, and sometimes insurmountable. Desire involves a sense of connectedness, eroticism, sensuality, and creativity. And let’s be honest: many of these words don’t see themselves as easy bedfellows with new parenthood. As the great clinician and scholar Esther Perel tells us, Cultivating desire can be a skill, especially when we’re dealing with major biological and identity changes, and it’s a skill we don’t always feel we have time for.
3. Pleasure
Along with physiological and psychological changes and the often shifting balance of see-saw desire, at the very heart of these conversations about sex is pleasure. We can get so caught up in notions about what we think sex should be, or what we believe we should enjoy, that we lose touch with what we actually enjoy. If it’s hard for us to identify sensual pleasures–when we feel them, what we enjoy about them, when they’re most painful or intense for us–we have a hard time making way for experiences that will give our pleasure It’s important to take time with your own body–regardless of your gender identity or status as a birth parent–and discover what feels good. What kinds of sensual experiences do we want? What fills us up, or leaves us wanting more? What turns us off, kills us, or leaves us exhausted? Having honest, open and honest conversations with ourselves and our partners helps set the stage for coming together on this topic. If talking directly about sexual activity seems difficult, you can start with conversations about sensory experiences that you really enjoy. What is a part of your body that is not usually considered sexual that you like to touch? What temperature do you prefer to feel on your skin? Questions like these are an easy way to start having conversations about physical pleasure.
If you’re still interested in these ideas, join me and Courtney from OWN Your Pelvic Health on Thursday, October 19th from 12:00-12:30. If you have specific questions you’d like us to address, send them to emily@parentfamilywellness.com. No questions are off limits–we want to include anything and everything that can help you on this journey.
