Three gay men in a relationship have adopted a child and have another on the way through surrogacy. They are now talking about the enormous costs they incurred in producing their children: more than $170,000.
In an interview with Insidethe self-described “amount” — Mitch Rolam, Benjamin Rolam, and Ben Rodriguez Rolam — said the three were “ceremoniously married” in 2019, and live together in Los Angeles. They adopted Tegan in 2022, and hired a surrogate, who is expected to give birth to the baby in December of this year.
“The whole adoption process, from start to finish, took us four years. And all of that adds up to more than $48,000,” they said. “In surrogacy, which we also started pursuing in 2019, it cost us $86,000 for five embryo transfers at the first agency we used. None of the transfers were successful. And the second agency we used cost at least $110,000. Fortunately, Mitch’s company covers the $70,000.”
They added, “In total, we have spent more than $170,000 so far. We monitor tax purposes. These costs do not include travel costs for adoption and surrogacy. This also does not include the amount we still expect to pay in agency and attorney fees in December for our second child.”
The “throuple” further explained that they originally planned to pursue adoption for all of their children, but changed their minds because it was emotionally difficult for them.
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“We met dozens of moms, and we had to put a lot of effort and time into creating relationships with someone who probably won’t call you back next week, while explaining to them why we would be the best who are parents,” they said. “And we had a lot of failed adoptions before Tegan, where we went in and held the baby, flying across the country to do it, thinking we had a child now, only to be told: ‘No, we’re not going Choose you.’ It’s really emotionally draining.”
Instead, they pursued surrogacy, trading the emotional turmoil of a child so that it would be less emotionally difficult for them.
Donor-conceived children are increasingly vocal about how it affects them, including Oliviawhich pointed out that, no matter how much a person wants a child, it does not mean that they are have debt one.
“Having a child is not a right. It’s not because you’re barren that you need to have a child. It’s not because you’re gay that you have to have children,” she said. “You are not given the right to have a child. For them and for infertile couples, surrogacy should not be an option. A child is not a right. Children have rights, but we have no rights over children. Ever.”
Throughout the fertility process, especially in surrogacy, children are treated not as people, but as commodities. Furthermore, surrogates are often exploited and taken advantage of; they are often low-income women who see an opportunity to make a fortune for something seen as a social good: carrying a child for someone else. However the very notion of a rich person renting the body of a poor person to create children for them should be terrifying (a real life “The Handmaid’s Tale“). Ethical issues are often ignored so that the wishes of adults can be fulfilled.
