A Story from a Stork: Why I Became an Alternate
I had my first child when I was 27 years old. My husband and I decided we were ready to start a family, and within two weeks we had a positive home pregnancy test and then a textbook pregnancy. In my stupidity, I thought it was that easy for everyone. Want a baby, have a baby. A piece of cake.
Fast forward to my maternity leave. As I settled in to cuddle and feed my precious newborn, a documentary about surrogacy came on the television. This was my introduction to the world of infertility. No one in my family or social circle had difficulty having children, and society tends to shy away from talking about infertility. So I didn’t realize that there are couples in the world who can’t “have a baby”.
I sat forlornly as I listened (full of postpartum hormones!) to the stories of couples struggling to conceive. I’ve heard stories from women who found out they couldn’t carry a child. I held my son tightly and cried non-stop.
Stacy is a wife, mother of two, and a two-time surrogate. She works full time in the Association Industry and has a passion for cultivating positivity by sharing her surrogacy pregnancy story.
I began to process the fact that there were people out there that cannot have babies. That sounds like something I should have known, but I didn’t! The sobbing continued. I realize that there are hundreds and thousands of potential parents who may not know what it’s like to find themselves with a tiny little person. My new mama’s heart is broken for so many people I don’t even know.
Then, they introduced the concept of surrogacy. I was suddenly intrigued! The science behind infertility treatments and surrogacy struck my mind. Hearing the sweet stories of the intended parents and their surrogates warmed my heart. Is this a real thing?! Can I help someone else become a mother, like I have been? Is it really possible to do that?
I didn’t really know anything about surrogacy at the time, but I knew right then and there that I was going to help make someone else a mother. I don’t know where to start, what the process might entail, or any of the requirements… but it will happen.
But why? I am often asked why I want to be a surrogate. The concept seems strange or foreign to many. Meanwhile, others think I am an angel sent from above. Still, it’s always an interesting conversation. Each alternative has its reasons; for me it comes down to these three.
When Two Become One
My earliest memory after delivering my son Easton was sitting with my husband in the hospital bed and looking at the little man we had created. If I had a baby with any man on the planet, this person would no longer exist. This is a person that only my husband and I can create. It was a moment where we literally became one, and there was an impactful connection to that fact.
We sat for a long time in those first hours (and the days that followed) picking out each other’s features while simultaneously watching some of our own physical features staring back at us. “He has your lips!” “He has my toes!” “I’m glad he got your dimples!”
This experience has always stood out to me as the first and foremost reason I sought surrogacy. I wanted to give a couple, which seemed impossible, the chance to experience the same exact moment. I want to give them something that only the two of them can do…but with a little help. I wanted to give them the opportunity to share the same moment of connection as a couple that my husband and I had as new parents.
And in reality, we still share moments like that today when looking at our two children. I couldn’t wait for the surreal moment when my intended parents would look at their baby in awe and identify which parts belonged to them or their partner; when they became one.
Unconditional Love and Infinite Chaos
Have you ever heard the phrase, “There’s no hood like motherhood!”? This is true in so many ways.
Nothing on this planet brings me the same joy and sorrow as being a mother. My children are my greatest source of happiness and the reason I pull my hair out. But most of all, they give me insurmountable amounts of joy, love, and laughter.
While there are definitely days when parenting isn’t a walk in the park, it’s also one of my greatest accomplishments and a source of unconditional love. I knew that being a surrogate would allow me to share that with other couples. In my life I have been loved by my parents, partner, siblings, and friends, but nothing comes close to the unique and unconditional love I share with my children. It’s a powerful parental love that I couldn’t understand until I experienced it. And, now that I have it, I can’t imagine living without it.
Sitting on my couch, holding my precious new baby, I knew without a doubt that I wanted to help another set of parents experience that bond. One day there will be a set of parents who will hear “I love you Mommy” or “I love you Daddy” for the first time, and I will be a small part of making it happen.
Being a Bucket Filler
My kids have a book called, Have you filled a bucket yet? The premise is that each person has an invisible bucket (a representation of happiness/self-esteem) that can be filled or emptied throughout the day. The book encourages children to do/speak/act in a kind way to help “fill the bucket” of others in the world. It teaches them that by being kind to others, they also fill their own buckets.
I am a natural bucket filler, and I knew that surrogacy would help fulfill that part of myself. I always volunteered and did community service as a young person. As an adult, I am the first to offer to help or step up for projects. I thoroughly enjoy being a help to others and I feel satisfaction through a job well done.
The collaborative nature of surrogacy is what brought me to the concept. Being able to do something that someone couldn’t do for themselves made me feel like I could make a difference in the world, even if it was just their world. Surrogacy will allow me to give something to a family that they may not have.
At first, I was bothered by the comments of others implying that it was the payment that motivated me to become a surrogate. I feel like they are taking away from my true desire to make a difference in someone’s life. They didn’t know that I wanted to be a surrogate before I knew about the compensation. It took me a while to get used to such comments and feel confident in my own knowledge that I was “filling a bucket”, both to myself and to the intended parents.
While these are all things that led me to surrogacy, the list of reasons to be a surrogate doesn’t just stop there. I have met many surrogates over the years with different motivations. Some have watched family members struggle to conceive and been inspired by their parenting journey. Many people actually just enjoy being pregnant and are not ready to end that phase of their life. While others are on a mission to support the LGBTQ+ community in parenting. Regardless of the reasons behind their decisions, most surrogates start out with a heart of gold and a desire to help.
