Deciding to adopt is a very important decision in a person’s life and the journey to that decision can be filled with a lot of heartache, tears, and disappointment. But by the time a person is ready to announce that they are adopting a lot of sadness is gone and replaced by excitement with a pang of fear.
Or at least, that’s how we felt. Like many other couples, the events leading up to our decision to adopt were filled with infertility specialists, medications, and procedures. After nearly two years (4 years if you count the 2 years we weren’t allowed to conceive due to a brain aneurysm) of not being able to conceive, we were ready to move on to a different path. After choosing adoption, we decided it was our best option to become parents again and we are excited to announce it to people.
Imagine our disappointment when we are greeted with anything less than someone matching our excitement. To be fair, most people have had fun following our infertility journey. But some people with less than stellar reactions forced me to highlight the adoption more.
Here are things you should never say to someone who is adopting:
1. Why?
Yes, this is the first thing someone said to me. People who adopt, like pregnant women, don’t have to explain why. That’s personal.
Also, your ‘why’ implies that our decision is bad.
If the person who adopted chooses to share what led them to their decision, that’s great, but it’s not something for you to take away from them. And it especially shouldn’t be anyone’s first sensation in their mouth!
2. Have you tried IVF (or had any fertility treatment inserted into it)?
Again, this is a personal question. For starters, some people may have gone through a long process of fertility treatments and are tired of trying them and ready to move on. For others, they may want to forgo intensive fertility treatment.
There is no right or wrong choice here and no second best option.
When someone asks me if I’ve tried IVF after they find out we’ve decided to adopt, they’re implying, to me, that our decision to adopt is not enough and that I should exhaust all fertility treatments.
3. Are you giving up?
Hey, this is what came out of someone’s mouth. I was stunned. Excited, I just shared the exciting news with this person, and their first thought was that we were giving up. Surrender to what?
As far as I’m concerned, adoption will lead us to a beautiful child that is OURS. And that doesn’t seem to give up on me.
4. You are likely to get pregnant now that you are trying to adopt.
This is surprisingly a very common view that people like to express to parents who are deciding to adopt. I’m sure the intentions behind it are pure, but it doesn’t make us happy.
For starters, there is no scientific data to back up this claim. Sure, a small percentage of people do, in fact, get pregnant, but that has nothing to do with the decision to adopt. Adoption does not suddenly eliminate the medical cause of infertility that some have struggled with.
Also, we do not adopt with any hope or desire to get pregnant. My struggle with infertility was real and raw, but I grieved over it and now have new hope in adoption.
As another parent points out, “Insinuating that pregnancy happens after adoption also implies that adoption is not ‘good enough’ — that biological children through pregnancy are the ‘ preferred’ way of building a family.”
5. I’m So Sorry
When someone announces that they are adopting you, there should be no pity or sadness on your face. Adoption is not a second rate thing. Although difficult, adoption is a wonderful process for families looking to become parents or grow their families.
6. You Are Very Lucky To Have Your Firstborn Son
For us, we got pregnant with our first child and successfully delivered a beautiful boy. Whoever said that was right. We are so lucky and blessed with our first child.
However, there is something unwritten in this sentiment. Aren’t we lucky to have a second child? Because, as we see it, we are very blessed that God leads this path.
What Should You Say Instead?
Think about what you would say to a friend or coworker who is announcing their pregnancy.
Now say it!
- Congratulations! That’s exciting for you! Have you had any appointments or
more meetings? - Wow! That’s good news. I’m happy for you!
- Very good! How are you feeling?
- That’s exciting! Please keep me updated on how everything is going.
- Yay! I will be praying/thinking about you. Let me know if there is anything I can do for you.
- You are glowing! How do you feel about all this?
- I love it for you! If you need someone to talk to when you’re having a hard time, I’m here for you.
- OMG! I’m so happy to hear this. How can I support you?
- I’m thrilled for you. What are the next steps?
- You will be a good parent! I look forward to hearing more from you
adoption journey.
Adoption is a different route than pregnancy, but each will lead you to the same result – a child you will love deeply.
Have you ever experienced, for better or worse, something similar when announcing your plans to adopt?
Let us know how it went for you in the comments below.
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