How is it possible in a world where mothers are expected to do everything and be everything that their identities are reduced to nothing more than their title of mother? A new survey of more than 3,600 seeks to understand the experiences of modern mothers and the painfully invisible, unsupported and unappreciated lives they lead across the US.
The new survey, conducted by nuts—an app that aims to provide a safe space for women to meet and find support—features experiences and stories about women on topics ranging from how well they feel supported by health care to pressures on them by themselves and others.
Answers from “The State of Invisibility” The survey was analyzed to determine broad sentiments from the mothers surveyed and American mothers as a whole. According to the survey, 79 percent feel invisible as mothers/potential mothers and a shocking 95 percent feel unappreciated, unrecognized or invisible in their role. Despite this air of invisibility, 99 percent said they experienced societal pressure to ‘do everything and be everything,’ and 96 percent felt expected to put themselves last and self-sacrifice.
Not only are these feelings hurtful but they also lead to bigger problems. Of the women surveyed 98 percent believe that this ‘invisibility’ seriously affects women’s mental health. As a result, women say they experience anxiety (92%), stress (91%), burnout/fatigue (91%), overwhelm (87%), loneliness or isolation (83%), irritability (83 %) and depression (76%). If left untreated and unsupported these mental health struggles can have an impact on the baby and can quickly transition to physical health issues for the mother.
Women say things that make them feel invisible include, but are not limited to: unfair division of labor at home, trying to juggle a career and childcare, lack of empathy and -understanding from family, peers and strangers, blindspots in health care and mental health support, struggle to assert identity and independence, need to hide the pain of pregnancy loss, and pressures from institutions such as care in health, education and media.
So what can be done to help? While large-scale government legislation is needed to make paid parental leave and paid leave after pregnancy loss more affordable, for now Peanut offers small solutions to help society support the true complexity of women’s experiences.
State of Invisibility includes the most common unwanted questions from society that contribute to feelings of invisibility along with alternative suggestions that women say they prefer to hear. For example instead of “How’s the baby?” instead one could ask “How are you really? Mentally, emotionally and physically?” Instead of “Planning a pregnancy?” consider asking “Are you excited? And instead of “How do you do everything?” reframe the question to “How is the mental load?
Together we can help mothers feel seen and give them the love and affirmation they so freely give to their children and others.
