It’s date night! You have a sitter; you’re wearing your cute new pair of boots with your favorite “going out jeans” and maybe even a little mascara and lipstick. Ready for date night and date night sex. Your kids don’t even recognize you when you come down the stairs and stare at you wide-eyed, wondering who this girl is. Where’s the oversized T-shirt? The leggings? The mom bun?
But it’s you. And you look great and are about to enjoy a much-deserved night out with your partner. This is a night that will include zero “Mommy, watch this!” and “Mommy, can I have a snack?” distractions while the two of you eat all the delicious food and drink all the delicious drinks, watching the clock to make sure you don’t get home until the babysitter you paid has put the kids to bed.
Date Night = Quality Time Together
And it’s everything you expect, everything you need. You talk about dream vacations and upcoming children’s activities. And remind him to make sure to invite Grandma. You mention you want a new patio set, and he talks about ordering fresh mulch for the flower beds. It’s not all sexy and romantic talk, but quality time together when you can look at each other’s faces and feel those tickling, “Oh yes, I remember how much I like you” feelings.
You took your last sip of wine while he paid the bill and headed to the car. You both have the best intentions; we all know what else to include on date night. But when you walk in the door, one is paying the babysitter while the other is quietly checking on the kids. Alas, the child is awake. You can calm him down quickly, you told yourself. But after you tuck him back into bed, you figure you might as well change into your comfy PJs because these “show” jeans are snugger than ever after that giant piece of cheesecake (no regrets).
Is there still a chance for date night sex? The babysitter is gone, and the house is quiet (again), but you turn the corner and see your husband in the bathroom (“I’ll be there for a minute,” he says), so you lie down on the couch, knowing it’s going to be a lot “seconds” until he goes out and flips on Netflix.
And before you know it, you and your partner are both snoozing on the couch, full bellies in loose, comfy pajamas, no date night sex to do.
Date Night Begins to Cause Anxiety
Does this sound familiar? This was the case in my house for a long time, and to be honest, I started to feel anxious as I prepared for date nights, always looking forward and trying to figure out how we were going to do date night sex- date. Should I skip cheesecake so my stomach doesn’t do what it does when I eat cheesecake? Can we speed up the babysitter payment process a bit? Is it because I’m quick to change PJs? Does that spoil the mood? Does that mean our date night is a bust if we don’t have sex? We know the importance of intimacy in a relationship, especially when you add kids to the mix. I mean, when was the last time we had sex?
I remember the nights we were sitting at dinner, and my wife would see me looking at the cheesecake, and I would say, “I’ll pass this,” knowing full well why. And he immediately responded, “No, take it. you love it We hardly ever go out and eat cheesecake. Enjoy it.” But he knew what it might mean later.
Or how the window of opportunity often begins to close between one and two glasses of wine. After one, I breathed a sigh of relief and felt sexy, but after two, especially during the baby years when I hadn’t slept well in almost a decade, sometimes I could barely keep my eyes open on the drive home .
Break the Rules with the Best Hack Ever
And that’s the pressure to have date night sex and do everything to ensure date night sex — shave your legs! No cheesecake! Just a glass of wine! Pay the sitter fast! Crawl quietly so no child wakes up! — the only thing a “date night” should be isn’t very sexy or romantic.
That’s when we learned the best date night sex hack ever — by accident. We were both getting ready one night, and he joined me in the shower to save time. Well, things got a little messy there. After some hot and steamy shower sex, we got ready, went out, ate ALL the things, drank ALL the drinks, went home, immediately changed into the loosest, comfiest pajamas we own, and fell asleep in front of Netflix feeling zero “date night sex” pressure.
And that has been our routine ever since. All the “date night” boxes are checked — we just moved the order.
As a mother of three, I want to add that no mother should feel pressured to have sex — ever. There were many dinners that I got all dressed up for, only to go home and sleep without any sexy time with my husband. And he always kisses me and says, “Thank you for a fun night. Love you,” no matter what.
Sex Doesn’t Always Happen, and That’s Okay
Sometimes it just doesn’t happen. Sometimes milk comes out of your breast, or you’re covered in spit but you still drag yourself out. Or you’re so out of touch that you dream of climbing into a box so no one can come near you for a whole week. I understand, and I’ve been there.
We have come out of that tunnel on the other side now that our children are grown. My breastfeeding days are long gone. The kids don’t climb into our bed anymore. And that makes our “hack” a little easier. We have no babies or toddlers to worry about while we sneak into the shower. But if you do, you can still try this trick. Just use Bluey’s time and put the baby in the crib with his toys. You probably only need 10 minutes, right? *wink
Also, while this isn’t a “hack,” I can attest firsthand to the power of communication. Date night is far better if you’re not sitting there fretting all night, feeling unnecessary pressure to have sex when you really just need to escape the kids and wolf down a pizza. A good relationship is when you can say that to your partner. Like, “It probably won’t happen tonight, but let’s have fun anyway.” Then expectations are set, and you can let the night take you wherever it wants.
For us, the pre-date night shower sex hack is clutch. We get the meaningful intimate connection we need, and I still get to dress up, wear my “going out” clothes and jewelry, and eat and drink whatever I want while we talk about patio sets.
I mean, is there anything sexier than that?
