approximately 17.5% of adults—1 in 6 people—worldwide struggle with infertility. Being so common, you might assume that infertility is understood by the masses and normalized when seeking help and support within our inner circles. But the truth is that conception problems can lead to loneliness and isolation even if you’re in a committed relationship.
Just because your partner may be literally half of the equation in making a baby doesn’t mean they know all the right things to say during a bad time. But, as with any life challenge a partnership may face, communication is necessary to stay united through the process.
By feeling seen and understood by your partner—and offering the same in return—as you navigate the void, you’ll build a stronger foundation of trust and security while dealing with the unknown. That’s why we’re focusing on parents coming together and being better support systems for each other for this. National Infertility Awareness Weekand experts seem to agree.
We are connected to Banafsheh Kashani, MDa fertility and in vitro fertilization (IVF) specialist practicing in Orange County, California, to discuss the importance of fertility awareness in your relationship. Dr. believes Kashani believes that this transparency is not only important but also goes a long way towards a successful IVF journey. Whether you’re looking to open up about your conception concerns for the first time or need guidance on how to better help your partner, Dr. An open and honest conversation is the place to start.
For more advice from Dr. Kashani, check out our Q&A with him below.
Q: How important is communication for couples dealing with fertility concerns?
A: Communication is key in any relationship, but when it comes to infertility, having the initial conversation is incredibly helpful. Sometimes, your partner is the only person who will understand what you’re going through, and often those who experience fertility issues don’t feel comfortable talking to their friends and family. This is why it is necessary for partners to create an open forum to discuss fertility concerns together, first of all.
It is also very important to ensure that couples never attribute infertility to being a male or female problem (something to blame), as these types of claims are unhelpful and can further alienate.
Q: What advice would you give to someone approaching a conversation about infertility for the first time?
A: This initial discussion can be difficult, but you need to try to be as honest as possible and not hold back feelings or concerns.
First, it’s important to check and state if you think there is an existing problem. How many months have you been trying? Are there concerns about irregular menstrual cycles? Is there concern about the ability to have sex or about a partner having an erection or ejaculation? Are there any issues surrounding lifestyle choices that may affect fertility? These types of questions can help you identify mutual concerns as a starting point and align your focus on finding a solution.
You might also consider planning to have the conversation at a perfect time for your partner. Maybe you’ll do it over a private dinner on the weekend when there are no distractions and you’ve both had time to decompress and relax. Again, make sure that you are never accusatory in your discussions and that you allow enough time for your partner to process what you are saying and speak when ready. Practice being an active listener and make room for their responses without judgment.
Q: When is it time to see a specialist?
A: Couples who have been trying for more than a year with unprotected sex should seek consultation with a fertility specialist. If the woman is over the age of 35, they should seek consultation after six months. If the woman is over the age of 40, they should consider a consultation after three months of testing.
Additionally, if the male partner has had a previous vasectomy, a history of testicular cancer, or has had chemotherapy or radiation, this may require earlier testing. Also, if there are any difficulties with an erection or ejaculation, you should not delay getting a consultation with a fertility specialist or a urologist.
If the female partner has irregular menstrual cycles or a history of chemotherapy or radiation, endometriosis, or pelvic infection, consultation as soon as possible is advised.
Q: Are there any products or home practices you recommend?
A: Yes! Track your menstrual cycles. The more you know about your body and how it works, the better. You may also consider tracking your ovulation there are urine ovulation kits, such as this one. During intercourse, use Pre-Seed Fertility Lubricant can help promote sperm motility. A 2014 in-vitro study found Pre-Seed to be less harmful than other lubricants to overall sperm.
Additionally, I advise finding online or in-person support networks or using therapists who are trained to help you navigate this difficult time and the roller-coaster of loss.
While building a solid support system with your partner during infertility is important, remember that this is not the only place to seek solidarity. Local groups, whether in your community or online using Facebook, get pregnant, or other platforms, can provide a safe place of connection with others who may better understand what you are going through. Whether you’re with your partner or not, remember that you deserve support and you don’t have to go through this journey alone.
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