Loss During the Holidays — Cloud Nine Birth Services | Birth Doula Services | Postpartum Doula Services

It was six years ago, a week before Christmas, when I lost a baby. I was blessed to be a Mama already to a beautiful boy, but my husband and I longed to grow our family. We tried and tried. I was frustrated every month for almost a year when I found out I wasn’t pregnant. Then November came and I started to feel weird. I just got my period and I thought I was pregnant!? I was very surprised when the test came out positive! However, at my doctor’s appointment, things didn’t seem right. For a few weeks we did blood work and the numbers weren’t going up fast enough. I was finally referred to a specialist. I must have been 8 or 9 weeks pregnant at this point. The ultrasound did not show a sac but instead a large cyst on one of my ovaries and it was diagnosed as an ectopic pregnancy. I went from the expectation of a new baby to the uncertainty of a certain pregnancy and the almost certain loss of this baby. My doctor called me that night to discuss the seriousness of this situation and that I had to go to the hospital the next morning to terminate the pregnancy. All the while I felt panic rising in my chest and my dreams of a baby disappearing into the darkness.

I love this little baby. I didn’t know how I could force myself to end the pregnancy, even though I knew the outcome would be critical for both of us. The next morning was December 18th, exactly one week before Christmas. It was a beautiful, crisp and clear morning. But inside my heart is heavy, dull and dark. My husband and I drove to the hospital with tears streaming down my face the entire time. I don’t know if I can continue the procedure. My body moves in one direction but my heart pulls another. I know the gravity of the situation. It was a morning where I had to walk by faith and not by sight. I can’t see the road ahead, not even my eyes are clouded with tears or my heart is clouded with pain.

Immediately, the technician drew my blood and rechecked my numbers. Then I was taken to the exam room. I tried to pull myself together while waiting for the nurse. I am convinced now, he is an angel. He came into the room and looked at me and hugged me in a warm hug. His presence was like sitting by a warm cozy fire. Her name is Dawn and I will never forget what she told me. He told me that my numbers were dropping, my body was starting the process of miscarrying. He also told me that he would never have been able to do this job if he had thought for a moment that there was a chance that this was a viable pregnancy. Then she said, “This time next year, you’ll be back here with a little baby.” I didn’t even dare to hope.

I had chemotherapy. I cried and was sad. The week before Christmas was slow and difficult. And then, Christmas Eve morning, I woke up bleary-eyed and stumbled into the kitchen to find it snowing. The ground was covered and huge white puffy flakes were falling from the sky. Everything was washed clean in that beautiful white snow. My heart is still in great pain but that Christmas ended up being so magical. The darkness of my sadness in contrast to the beauty of fresh snow and bright white lights – this is the time when my sadness turns into the hope of fresh life.