Swiping Right Won’t Cut It- Motherly

Once you’ve made what feels like the biggest decision of your life—becoming a single mom by choice—the second biggest decision is likely to be choosing your sperm donor. And from experience, it’s not as easy as swiping left or right in a dating app. The search for my ‘perfect’ donor was an overwhelming experience, to say the least. Sometimes it feels like a bigger decision than deciding to be a single mom by choice. I struggled with the options and thought of huge, impossible questions:

• What if I chose the wrong donor?
• How do I know which donor is right for me?
• What criteria are important to consider?

Here’s what I learned along the way about choosing a sperm donor.

What to remember when choosing your sperm donor

Choosing a known versus an unknown donor

At first, I thought about asking the men I knew who were sperm donors. However, it quickly became apparent that this option had complications if I did not want the donor involved in the child’s life.

Additionally, I discovered that in Canada, sperm from a known donor will only be implanted if the sperm has been frozen for six months in an approved setting. As someone who is eager to start the journey, this waiting period is also a hindrance. So, I ended up with an unknown donor.

Going for an open versus unknown donor

Another important decision to make is whether to choose an open or anonymous donor. At first, I was hesitant about being an open donor.

• What if my child wants to contact their donor when they turn 18?
• What if my child fails my choice?
• What if the donor doesn’t live up to my child’s expectations or doesn’t treat them well?

Obviously fear is keeping me from choosing an open donor. I spoke with my fertility counselor and another single mom by choice (SMBC) at the time and their responses were the same: It’s a personal choice. Now, I will agree; there is no right or wrong way. I spent a lot of time journaling and reflecting on this decision and realized that this decision should ultimately be up to my son. I chose an open donor to give my child the opportunity to meet their biological father, should they wish to in the future. I want to respect their autonomy and give them the freedom to make that decision when the time comes, because I know I want that.

(Editor’s note: Given the widespread availability of DNA testing, some experts dispute that having a truly “anonymous” donor now a thing of the past. This is another thing to consider when making your decision.)

Personal factors are taken into account

I found myself browsing through countless profiles on various sperm bank databases. I easily read over 70 profiles in detail: there’s the athlete, the chef, the med school student, the pharmacist, the engineer. I didn’t know much about a person until I started reading these profiles. Forget about the men I’ve dated in the past—I barely got a quarter of the things I should consider when it comes to potential donors.

This has become a daily project for me, going through several profiles at a time. At first, I had a lot of filters set up. But over time, I realized that I had to narrow the list down to a few factors that I wanted to prioritize.

Here are some factors I considered in my initial selection process:

Physical characteristics

Height, weight, hair color, eye color, etc. I always thought I was going to have a boy, so height is important to me. Or there was the first time I met a donor with glasses and I thought I don’t want my son to need glasses if I can avoid it, even though I’ve had no problem dating men with glasses in the past. Again, this will be a very personal and, yes, superficial process.

Medical history

I want a thorough understanding of the donor’s medical history. It is not only about knowing the medical background of my donor, but also their parents and siblings. I looked for information about any hereditary conditions or genetic disorders that could possibly be passed on to my child. It was very important to me that the donor underwent a comprehensive genetic assessment that I could compare with my own.

CMV (Cytomegalovirus) status.

Understanding whether you are CMV positive or negative before choosing a donor is important. This information may influence your choice of donor. I’m not an expert on this, so it’s best to consult your doctor about it.

Information you want to pass on to your child

This includes photos, a well-written essay, family information, reasons for donating, personality traits, values, and interests. Not all donors take the time to provide all the information or share adult and childhood photos, so this has been one of the ways I’ve filtered out multiple profiles. It is important to me to have this information to pass on to my child, so that they can have a better understanding of their biological origins and the characteristics that can shape their identity.

Education and background

Since I grew up with parents who instilled in me the importance of a good education, this has become a value that I want to pass on to my son. So naturally, the educational background of the donor is important to me. I understand that this may not be everyone’s priority. Also, I consider their interests and personality traits, because finding a donor with similar values ​​and aspirations can create a sense of connection and compatibility.

A note on choosing your sperm donor as SMBC

Ultimately, choosing a sperm donor is a deeply personal and individual process. It took me a few months to make a choice. I want to tell you that I had an “aha!” moment where I saw a profile and immediately knew he was the one. But no, it’s not that easy for me. I realized that there was no perfect donor who ticked all the boxes I had in mind. Instead, I focused on finding someone whose words reflected my values ​​and who I could explain to my child as a kind person who helped bring them into this world.