Are You a Default Parent? Here’s How to Create Balance, According to Experts

If you follow parenting on TikTok, you’ve probably heard the term “default resentful parent.” I can’t scroll very far seeing videos of parents (mostly moms) talking about burnout from carrying the mental burden of caring for and running a household. The majority of child-rearing responsibilities often fall on mothers, especially mothers who do not work or work from home. As I watch these moms vent their frustrations on TikTok, I see myself in them.

When I became a military spouse, community messaging dictated my role: Take care of the homefront. So, naturally, when we started a family, we shared the expectation that I would take on the daily responsibility of caring for our children and our home. I watched my mom do it for years, and I assumed that role would come easily for me. But what I failed to consider were the times he locked himself in his room because he was carrying the burden of parenting me and my siblings 24/7.

Now, I recognize my mother’s struggle as the default parent, and, in my early days of being a stay-at-home mother, I always felt it. Managing the home and basic parenting tasks while watching my husband enjoy work every day (yes, in my mind, he skips) feels overwhelming.

I soon realized that we had created a culture where my children would go past their father to ask me for a snack. Or they’ll find me in the toilet because they don’t want to “disturb” Daddy, who’s sitting in the same room scrolling on his phone. When he entered, he came to me for step-by-step instructions.

While I don’t blame her for working a job that requires her to spend more time away from home and away from our children, I resent the fact that she doesn’t realize this pattern of default parenting . Experts share that there are ways to improve parenting balance and it starts with communication.

What is the default parent?

“The default parent is the parent who performs the assumed role of primary caregiver in the home,” it said Stephanie Lucas, a licensed marriage and family therapist. A default parent manages a heavy mind — the often invisible labor required to run a household and family.

The duty may fall to the stay-at-home parent, a full-time working parent or a single parent with a parent living outside the home.

“A parent is the first line of defense or just takes on more responsibility,” he explains Amber Thornton, Psy.D.a clinical psychologist and maternal health expert.

This structure is not necessarily a bad thing. “Families are busy, and sometimes having a designated point person to manage the family’s needs is a great way to deal with the rigors of family life with efficiency,” says Lucas.

However, in some cases, this dynamic can lead to unintended negative consequences.

What can lead to parental resentment by default?

My resentment started early when the burnout became overwhelming. At times, I felt like my husband might step in, but assumed I would deal with it, or I stayed quiet because I didn’t feel like I needed to ask. Yes — some things are my “work,” but those lines are often blurred. I can’t leave my “job,” and I’m off on weekends.

“The lack of recognition of the amount of work done by the default parent can be huge,” says Lucas, “So much of this role can be invisible to a spouse – especially if they haven’t had a turn at the helm.” The following experiences can cause parental resentment by default, according to experts:

• Assume that one partner should be the default without discussing it as a team
• Considers a non-default parent
• Not feeling supported in day-to-day parenting tasks
• You feel that everything you do is being ignored
• Parental selection based on gender norms and roles dictated by society
• Unplanned parenting works for both partners
• Seeing the non-default parent enjoy the time, freedom and flexibility you don’t have
• Being tight-lipped about how you feel about your partner’s lack of action or awareness

How to avoid default parental resentment

Many moms like me want to undo this standard parenting pattern for a more cohesive, flexible and dual supportive system. Experts share how to do it:

Check in yourself

Sometimes parents get stuck thinking that because things have always been done a certain way, that’s the way they’ll always be. But if you examine yourself and reevaluate what’s causing your mental load, you can begin to explore how things might look different.

Doing this self-reflection will help you prepare to talk to your partner and have a solution-oriented conversation.

Have a conversation

Sometimes I feel a little guilty when I need extra support from my husband. But not letting him know how I felt only added to my resentment.

For parents-to-be, share with each other the vision you have for your home and who will fill which roles. Furthermore, explore why you have those beliefs, says Dr. Thornton. Did you grow up seeing one parent take the lead in certain tasks?

If you’re already a default parent, be open about what needs to change to feel supported. “These roles must always be collaborative and flexible,” Lucas said. “The non-default parent should initiate check-ins frequently.”

Checking in can take the form of asking the default parent about their stress level, and what they would like help with or if they are feeling frustrated in any particular area.

Give the non-default parent a chance to hone their skills

It may seem like one parent is better suited to manage children, but the default parent also had more opportunity to use their caregiving muscles, Dr. Thornton.

“As we get more experience, we get more skills in how to navigate certain things with our kids,” she said. The non-default parent should take turns stepping into the primary caregiving role without direction or judgment so they can develop their skills as well.

Create a shared family calendar

Align your schedules, and divide responsibilities accordingly. Hold each other accountable for things that need to be done. Follow this up with regular chats to make sure your plan doesn’t leave a parent caught off guard.

Adjust responsibilities as your family changes

Over time, I went from being a stay-at-home mom to being a work-from-home mom, so we had to change our routines. Now, we share responsibilities and have a weekly check-in. One of us picks up the slack if the other has a more demanding schedule, and there’s more harmony at home.

“Even if the balance isn’t perfect, the most important part is that couples feel like they’re doing it together,” Lucas says.