So much of parenting, from the moment of conception is absolutely NOT what you expect. Everyone’s journey is different, and there will be bumps in the road and detours.
As a father of three, soon to be four, told a group of first-time mothers in the shop:
“What we have learned is that you can get through anything, if you know that it will end.”
So, you said, good, they’re in the fourth, of course it’s down, how’s a first time mama to get through? We’ve compiled some expectations, facts and very simple coping strategies.
First trimester
You expect to shine.
Reality:
you are green You are so tired that you can barely make it through the day. And, you might blush, but 99 out of 100 women surveyed IRL didn’t feel like they were glowing.
A client described it yesterday as “I felt like a hungover sloth.”
Yes. that’s it.
How to pass:
This is the one-day-at-a-time, maybe one-hour-at-a-time trimester. It’s hard to be thankful when you’re nauseous, but we’ve found that actually making a gratitude list can help distract your brain. Not just “I know I should be thankful, I’m so lucky, but really?!? I’m NOT thankful!” We know. That’s why using an app like DayOne App(and this is not an endorsement, just a random pick) or a meditation app, or try a 1-2 minute meditation which helps with MS fatigue and works great for pregnancy. Very short meditations can be a useful coping tool for all parents: a two-minute break! Refocusing your brain can help you cope. You try!!
Second Trimester
You expect to shine.
Reality:
Your clothes are getting tight and you’re starting to feel fat. At the end of this trimester you may blush. In the beginning, you might just be thankful it’s not green.
How to pass:
Here’s your mantra, are you ready? “I’m not fat. I’m pregnant.”
Get well-fitting clothes that not only feel good and loose, but Look good! There’s nothing like wearing your fat jeans to make you fat. Find a pair of super cute maternity jeans and a long enough top, grab a pair of flattering dresses and maternity leggings and tights and practice rocking the bump. Go ahead, do it, be the hot mama!
Third Trimester
You look forward to preparing for the baby’s arrival, and you can expect to be big.
The truth:
Not this big!
You’re tired again. Not tired like the first trimester, but tired like you’re carrying a lot of extra weight with every step you take.
The truth is you may be ready to have this baby!
How to Pass:
Return to your app. More practice refocusing your brain with lists—thanks, don’ts—may help. Obviously making sure you have everything you think you might want for the baby is also a good way to focus your time and what energy you have left.
Now is also a good time to start practicing radical self-care, whether that’s a nice bath, a massage, a dinner out with your loved one. Treat yourself nice. You and baby are both about to go through an amazing and big transition; baby from the safety and comfort of the womb and you from being the life support inside, to being a mother!
Fourth Trimester
You expect to be happy and in love and tired.
The truth:
OMG, no this tired!! And then there’s more that you don’t expect!
Now, in just one shop, mums described the fourth trimester as “terrible”, “hell” and “the worst show” and yet, here they all are, smiling with their beautiful babies. And, AND HERE’S THE IMPORTANT thing to remember, they were all in their fourth trimester.
Not that their bodies weren’t all perfect and rock solid again, not that their babies weren’t all sleeping through the night, but they made it and they were happy.
How to pass:
Consider the father of the three mentioned above. Take two minutes to yourself, you’ll find them, we promise. Find help so you can take care of the life support system that you are from a relative, a friend, a doula, a neighbor, someone! Find someone else, IRL, to connect with, even if that just means going to a cafe. Live adult human interaction helps.
If you start to feel overwhelmed, ask yourself how important something is. The dishes can wait. You need sleep.
And, the postpartum body…yes, give yourself time, lots of time. You can and will lose it, but now is not the time to stress about it.
Postpartum depression and baby blues are a real thing that good mothers can experience. If you think you need help, seek it.
Nursing
You hope that you and the baby will be together and that life will be peaceful.
The Reality:
Hey, that hurts!
Baby doesn’t gain weight!
Is this my milk supply?
I feel disappointed.
Even if caregiving is easy for you and the baby, you may find yourself attached to a baby 24/7. Yes, they need to eat a lot! imagine how much they are growing and their brains are developing. For the first 6 weeks you are essentially on life support, which is why making sure you have the right support is key to baby’s sanity and health!
How to pass:
If nursing doesn’t work, you are NOT a failure. Focus on gratitude, not on *feeling* failure. This NYT article about bottle feeding nicely addresses how important it is to let go of expectations. The sense of defeat was not that, it was really a wonderful gift to this family.
In summary:
The truth is that we have hopes and dreams and that is wonderful. If things are not exactly as expected, then they will go anyway. Like a traffic app, sometimes you just have to reroute, panicking and fretting don’t help, they just make you miss the exit. It might take two minutes, but at the end of the day, you’ll get there. Relax and enjoy the ride.
