When my first child was born, he was definitely not a shy child. He is the most outgoing person I have ever met. This is not a lie; he spoke in complete sentences before he was a year old and, at 14 months, could talk to you. And he will. He will talk to anyone who will listen. With beautiful green eyes and sandy hair, she captivates adults and loves to be the center of attention. As a first-time mom, that’s how I thought all kids acted when they were little. No, that’s not how it works at all. Every child is different. So very different.
I had two more boys in five short years. They all have unique personalities, but none of them I would consider a shy child. Every boy likes to communicate with other children and adults, and moving to unfamiliar situations is quite easy for them. When I gave birth to my fourth child, I expected it to be the same. But I was totally wrong. My little girl was my first introduction to an introverted and shy child, and it took some getting used to.
So, What Does It Mean to Be Shy?
Shyness will mean something different to everyone, and experiences vary, but there are some common characteristics. The American Psychological Association says that shyness means that a person feels hesitant, worried, or tense when interacting with social situations, especially if they are new. Embarrassment can cause physical reactions such as sweating, flushing, or a racing heart. It can even cause a person to feel sick to their stomach or have negative thoughts or doubts about themselves.1
Many people are shy in various situations, but it can be debilitating for some people. I realized that being a shy child was painful for my daughter when she was very young.
I Noticed He Was A Shy Child
When my son was a baby, he was what you would call “clingy.” She is a mama’s girl; We’ve been BFFs since day one. Of course, he was friendly with his father, grandparents, and family members he saw often, but never with the sweet girl at the grocery store. My shy son won’t wave or smile at a stranger; he will lower or close his eyes to make them disappear. I thought it would go away as he got older, but it didn’t.
Then, I Enrolled Her in Dance Class
I was a stay-at-home mom when she was little, so I enrolled her in a Monday morning dance class at our local YMCA. He was two years old, and I thought it would be a great opportunity for my shy son to be around other kids his age. In the first class, there were only two girls, her and her cousin. This wasn’t a cousin she only saw a few times a year. These two have been best friends since he was born. I thought seeing her would make my shy daughter feel comfortable, but she didn’t.
She sat in dance class in her new leotard and tapped her shoes with her little hands covering her eyes. It was like he was playing peek-a-boo, except he didn’t put his hands down. I laughed it off, I thought he was new, but the following week was the same. And soon, I realized that my shy child was hurting. He was scared and he wanted me, and I was putting him in a situation that made him anxious. That needs to change.
You Can’t Make the Child Shy
I can’t look at him and say, “Okay, you’re not a shy kid anymore; it’s time to talk to strangers.” That wasn’t going to work. I had to put myself in those little shoes. He was a little person with limited language, or at least the language that only his family understood . When I got him into that class, even though his cousin was there, it was still a new place with a new teacher, and I was out of the room. You can’t throw a shy kid into a situation like this without an introduction .She needs to know that she is safe and loved and that talking to her teacher and making friends with the other girls in the class is okay.
Helping My Shy Child Takes Too Long
When we realized we were dealing with a shy child as a toddler, we worked hard to make him feel comfortable and help him learn to assert himself as he grew older. It started with simple things like saying hi to the checker at Target and making small talk. When we take him somewhere new, like a restaurant, we encourage him to order food. It wasn’t easy for him at first, but we used a lot of positive reinforcement and praise, and he soon became more comfortable talking.
School was a challenge at first. We enrolled him in a toddler class a few days a week to give him time away from me. It broke my heart to leave her because she often cried like a shy child, but I knew I had to. I’ll hug and kiss him and tell him I love him and I’ll be back. His teachers would pick him up, and I would go, and in a few minutes, it would be fine. I really think it was harder for me than it was for him, but as time went on, it got easier.
Tips for Hugging and Helping Your Shy Child
Experts say parents can work with their shy children to help them overcome their anxiety. Psychology Today offers great tips for parents who want to help their children.2
Collaborate and Leverage Their Interests
First, find what interests your child. If he likes to play at the park, try going when other kids are around. If they are having fun doing something they enjoy, your shy child may find it easier to talk to other children and feel more comfortable in a social situation.
Practice Meeting New People
Next, it’s a good idea to practice scripts. Helping a shy child know what to say in a social situation can make it easier for them to talk to someone new. It can be as simple as teaching your shy child to greet someone with a smile and eye contact. It may also be helpful to ask “what” and “how” to see how they might behave in a social situation.
Start With One-on-One Situations
Help your shy child interact one-on-one. It is often easier for a shy child to come out of their shell in a smaller setting than in a large crowd. Little playdates can foster stronger friendships. When a shy child can focus on someone, they can practice social skills and build confidence.
Show Them How To Interact
If someone is friendly to you, be friendly back. If your shy child sees you interacting with others and being responsible to someone friendly and kind is fine, they are more likely to respond themselves. It can be great with compliments and learning to be thankful.
Help Them See Another Perspective
Try to help them think about things from the other person’s point of view. It can be difficult, but if your shy child can put themselves in someone else’s shoes, it can help them realize that people aren’t always scary and that others are just like them.
Be Patient
Above all, you have to be patient. Your shy child needs your patience more than anything else. It won’t change overnight, but you can help your shy child become less shy by working hard.
But Remember, It’s Okay to Be a Shy Kid
Honestly, I think being a shy kid can be a good thing. While I love how proactive my oldest son is, he is the little guy who walks away from anyone and won’t think twice. In retrospect, that was pretty scary. The more shy you are, the less likely you are to wander very far. I never made my daughter feel bad about being shy. And while he’s seven now and things have gotten better, it can take some time to get comfortable in new situations. It’s not as bad as when he was younger, but I can see it in his eyes when he’s struggling, and my tactics are still the same.
I tell him that everything is okay and that I love him. That’s the most important thing you can do with a shy child. They need to always know that someone is in their corner. If he knew he was safe, he would probably come out.
Yes, my son is shy, but I don’t want to change. She has grown a lot in the past few years but still has second thoughts from time to time, that’s okay. But one thing about those shy ones, they may be quiet, but they take everything in and learn about the world.
