Fear.
We all have it, to varying degrees, from the moment of conception, under the best of circumstances. These days? Not the best of circumstances.
What I have learned from parenting is this:
Fear does not serve us, and it does not serve our children.
So, how do you find it? YOURS balance?
Because balance is personal!
The facts, as I pointed out to an honest scared dad-to-be yesterday, are that everything is going to be okay. Exactly what okay means will vary. And that? That really hasn’t changed since March.
How much time and energy you spend living in fear is up to you.
Find the facts.
A short personal story:
In fear:
I have a beloved son who, when applying to high schools in SF at age 13 answered the question “What do you want to be when you grow up?” with “Fun, whatever.” Every parent’s dream, right? This is what I raised them to understand. I would have celebrated. But, what did I do? I got scared and said “Well, I don’t think that’s what they’re looking for. No matter what?!” I got scared, it doesn’t matter?! If you live in a cardboard box?! (because I think that might be part of their answer.) They changed it to “Be a rock star.” I kept quiet. Despite the lessons, they did not play an instrument.
of Truth:
They got into every high school they applied to. They went to public art school in the creative writing program. I gave them a check for a $10 lesson from a friend informing in fear that the friend would just buy weed, hoping they had no idea what to do with a check! They ended up playing in a band and even toured as the opening act for Deerhoof. They were happy. They are still happy to play but are no longer in the band. They are a pretty good competent capable youth.
What are you afraid of?
Then again, there’s so much to choose from these days, you don’t have to look far. We talk about it in the shop with people who come in to shop during a pandemic.
Based on the conversations, here are some fears to face, realities to balance and options:
1st trimester fear: I will lose the pregnancy.
It’s a reasonable fear, the facts are real. Can you find a balance between hope and letting go? And if you lose a pregnancy, can you give yourself the time you need and want to grieve?
2nd trimester: less fear
This seems to be a sweet spot, moms are in their first trimester and haven’t started turning as they go into labor, although some of our moms in the shop are “precocious” 😉 and worried about everything in labor, delivery and the first year.
3rd trimester: Concerned about labor, delivery and the health of the newborn.
The odds, aka the facts, are good that everything will be fine. You will get through it and so will baby. Do you want to be a response? Read the Stop! Look! Listen! campaign.
A special word for women of color-the odds aren’t as good, that’s a fact. Racism is real and systemic and Black women are dying at a rate 3 to 4 times higher than white women in America today. So, take a page from Serena WIlliams’ playbook and be ready to stand up for yourself and do it loud and proud. If you don’t know the Serena Williams birth story,you know, we all should.
Birth: Honestly, by the time you’re in, you’re in IT and you don’t have the focus to spend on fear! You can let go.
The first year: Milestones
As with pregnancy, the odds are good. This is an opportunity to let your child be your child. And really dive into letting go of your fears. Comparison and despair serve no one. This is but the beginning of a wonderful journey. Lean back, relax, enjoy the wonder.
The single most important thing about being a parent?
Be trustworthy.
If we are caught up in our fears we cannot be trusted.
That is true.
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Sarah Pollak has owned and operated Mom’s the Word since the first trimester of her second pregnancy. She has advised thousands of mothers through style and more for 24 years, and has her own parenting journey. His children are now grown and flying.
