“My mother-in-law and I are currently fighting over when is the best time to visit our new baby — and did I mention Baby J hasn’t even shown yet? He finally admitted that he was upset that he wasn’t invited to her birth, but I didn’t feel like hosting my mom, grandma, and MIL after having a baby, and no one wanted a hotel room. Any suggestions for this first-time mama before I cave and let everyone just do what they want?” ~ Mikala H
It may take a village to raise a child, but that doesn’t mean you need the entire village living in your house, or even visiting, at the same time. And it certainly doesn’t mean the entire village needs to be invited to your birthing room, either.
I know this is easy for me to say and less easy to implement with friends and family, especially soon-to-be new grandmas, eager to flex their hug muscles, or even muscle their way through into the delivery room, using the most effective of all parental powers of persuasion (even with older children): guilt. I should know…it was deployed a lot on Erik and me during our early parenting days by our own moms and dads. And I hate to admit it, but I’ve probably deployed it to my kids more than a few times myself (although I should and should have known better!).
It’s hard to draw lines with grandparents and prevent them from becoming battle lines in the process. But the bottom line is, there are three people who should be guaranteed bonding time and after giving birth: you, your partner, and Baby J. Those three things need to meet, greet, and get to know each other first and foremost. To cuddle skin-to-skin, eye-to-eye, face-to-face, inhale her sweet new baby smell as she breathes in Mommy’s familiar scent (and the smell of mommy’s breasts) and meets Daddy’s , listening to her first little sounds (and big cries!) as she hears your voices (so comforting after hearing them for months in utero). Everyone else will get their chance for those first moments with your baby, but for now, they have to take a number while you go nuclear (family, that is). And that’s not just for bonding’s sake, as important as that (it’s hard to recognize your baby with a home — OR a hospital room — full of hoverers). It’s also because you, the new mom, will likely want to focus your time and energy on bonding with (and feeding!) your beloved child and recovering from pregnancy and childbirth. — not hosting many people (or even anyone, if you choose to opt out of all guests in the first place).
Get to Know Your Newborn Baby
Who will be first in line to greet the baby after Mommy and Daddy? It’s up to Mommy and Daddy. And I don’t mean your Mommy and Daddy or your husband’s Mommy and Daddy — I mean you two. As hard as it is to believe now, there is a new set of parents in town, and among many other rules you will and must set: who comes to town and when to visit your new baby.
Factors you’ll probably want to consider when making that decision: which family members or friends you’re most comfortable with (your mom seems to be at the top of that, no surprise), whether family members are good with (the kind who clean , or at least pick up thoroughly after themselves, maybe even cook and shop and do laundry), are good at pitching without picking up (soothing the baby while you bathe, not touching him from your hands to show you how soothing the baby is done), just good at giving advice when asked, and good at following the rules — your rules (mega-meddlers need not apply ).
Now for the tricky part: Let your MIL know that she can’t be first in line to greet the baby — or tie it to your mom first — with a little bit of hurt feelings (hers), guilt (your husband) or bad feelings (your ). And without escalating the current family feud into a full-blown family feud.
Your best bet is to put a positive spin on the situation. Write a sweet, warm email or note (make it a Hallmark moment with a card you know she’ll love). Start with empathy, letting her know that you fully understand her desire to see her daughter’s first child born and spend the first few weeks with her — and that you can also appreciate why her feelings are hurt by denying that wish. Explain that you will surely feel the same way when your own child’s first born is born, and that you will (probably) have a hard time with Baby’s future husband choosing to have his mother by his side instead of you. Did you get it.
Then, invite her to visit when you think you’ll be ready (your mom is home, you’ve got the basics of baby care and new mom logistics down) and maybe even have some help (maybe your husband is back at work, and/or it’s been a solid week since you’ve seen the light of day or washed your hair or eaten real food) — a date that is hopefully not too, too far in the future. Explain why the visit then would be more wonderful for him and you than the visit now: the baby will be more alert and awake more often during the day and will be more social (maybe even smile for the first time), you will definitely need more help that she can uniquely provide (play her babysitting skills here! Her amazing home cooking that you and your husband miss! Her great skill in repair!). And promise to do lots of face-time with baby (including from the hospital) in the meantime, and positively shower her with pictures of Baby J taken just for her. Heck, while you’re at it, buy him a special frame that’s about to put the first photo of him holding Baby J.
All will probably be forgiven and forgotten, and hard feelings will melt (along with her heart), the moment your mother-in-law sees that sweet little face for the first time. And if not already, it’s definitely (almost) sure that time will finally get her a chance to hug him up close and personal.
In the meantime, talk openly with your husband about the struggle between you and his mother and see if he is willing to talk to her as well, to try to work things out. Remember, one of your most important roles as new parents is to learn to work as a team in everything you do, and that includes dealing with your own parents — facing every challenge as a united family unit front. An undivided house, after all, can stand up to almost anything…even in-laws!
Here’s to happy parenting…and grandparenting!
hugs,
Heidi
Help me, Heidi! is a weekly advice column where What to Expect creator Heidi Murkoff answers your most pressing pregnancy and parenting questions. He discusses the things you’re desperate to know right now — so if you have a question, Heidi asked here or to Facebook and he might answer in an upcoming column. (Not sure if Heidi answered one of your questions? See other columns here.)
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