If you think about it, it’s easy to see how we ended up with a orgasm gap. From mainstream media to porn*, sexuality is often portrayed in a very cock-centric way. In this view, it is not intercourse unless it involves penetration of the male genitalia. And penile ejaculation is the goal and the finish line.
So what does penis-centric sex look like in practice, how do you know if it’s a problem in your sex life, and how can you broach the subject with your partner and reclaim the sexual spotlight? Let’s dive into this topic (ironically very penis-centric).
*For the purposes of this article, we’re focusing on sex between a partner who owns and another who owns.
What is penis-centric sex?
Penis-centric sex is partnered sex that focuses too much on the genitals, emphasizing penetration and penile ejaculation above all else. Yes, we’re out here living in the 21st century, and heteronormative, dick-obsessed sex is still alive and well in American culture.
Cock-centered sexual encounters tend to put the sexual pleasure of the penniless partner on the back burner. Doing so can contribute to harmful ideas about sexuality, intimacy, and–in a broader sense–equality. Penis-centricity privileges one partner over the other, and it also creates a goal-based sexual dynamic, which hurts everyone involved.
Most of the time, people have penis-centered sex without even realizing it. This is what the media and mainstream porn have taught us, so many of us think this is how sex should be. This is not necessarily due to bad luck or selfish intentions on the part of the possessors, but it requires discussion and avoidance if we want to move away from it in our relationships.
Are you having penis-centric sex?
Now that you know what penis-centric sex is, here’s how you can tell if you’re having it. But first, remember that everyone’s experience is unique and not all penis-centric sex is necessarily problematic. Your sex life is your business (as long as what you do is consensual) and if you’re happy, we’re happy. But, if you’re unhappy with your sex life, and you think penis-centricity might be to blame, here are some signs that there’s room for a little change in perspective:
- Foreplay is rushed or skipped entirely.
- Intercourse always ends immediately after penile ejaculation.
- Most or all of the time, only the partner with the penis reaches orgasm.
- Most or all of your sex is penetrative.
- Non-penetrative sex such as handjobs and oral sex is more focused on the owner.
- Sex that focuses solely on the owner rarely or never occurs.
Don’t worry if many of these describe your current sex life. It’s not the end of the world. In fact, this is an opportunity for a really open conversation that can seriously improve your connection, sexually and emotionally.
How to have a conversation
If you find that your sexual relationship is unbalanced, unsatisfying, or unsatisfying, it’s time to talk. Here are important tips for approaching this conversation:
- Do not start serious conversations about sex during intercourse. This includes directly before and after intercourse. It’s very hard to be objective and stay focused when you’re in the heat of the moment.
- Approach the conversation in a relaxed, safe, and non-sexual setting.
- Focus on what you want to welcome into your sex life rather than what you want to get rid of. For example, you can explain that you want to extend the foreplay and want to feel your focus during that time. Or you can mention that you want to engage in more casual sex together. That way, you can frame the conversation as about ways to elevate your sex life rather than telling your partner they’ve done something wrong.
- Name it. This part may be uncomfortable, but it may help to mention outright that you feel your sex life tends to be penis-centric. When trying to dispel the views we’ve been taught our entire lives, we need all the information we can. Explain what penis-centric sex is, why it’s harmful, and how it’s a cultural and social issue we’re all working together to unlearn.
The bottom line is that we all deserve pleasure, and we all deserve to feel like the stars of the show, not background actors, in our sex lives.
And whether it’s about penis-centricity or something else, we highly recommend having the tough conversations. Trust us, it’s worth it.
