Here’s the spoiler:
In my humble opinion, we are not training our children. We teach them. We coach them. We cannot teach until we have knowledge. So, here’s the information you need to help baby get the sleep he needs.
They need sleep for brain development. They are also small survival machines, they will get. You? Yes, not so much. So, your job? Order delivery unless you have someone to feed you on demand, skip the plates, sleep when the baby sleeps, shower when you want and can, and let most everything else go. That can wait.*
Teaching Newborns About Sleep
Week 1 to 3
Here’s the truth, for better or worse, and it’s really important to understand it: you can’t teach a newborn about sleep. Sorry, it’s just a fact. Not you. Not your baby. This is science.
Newborns sleep about 16 hours in a 24-hour day.
What most of us don’t think about (because you really can’t until your baby is born) is that that 16 hours is done in bite sized chunks, one, maybe if we’re lucky, two hours at a time, and then hey! they are awake again.
Some babies will go for three hours and the parents want to throw a party! Smart parents know that those 3 hours might be a one off, might not happen again for a few weeks. Some newborns take 3 hours all the time. None of this reflects your parenting one iota.
Babies can’t combine naps with long naps as newborns because they need to eat!
It’s a survival skill, this business that never sleeps. Their stomachs are small and need constant filling to keep them going. Some may sleep longer. They may not. Your baby is unique. It has nothing to do with you and certainly nothing to do with your parenting!
Parents of newborns who sleep longer are told to do the unthinkable of waking a sleeping baby. Why?!?! Because you want them to live and thrive. They need to eat. Talk to your doctor about how long your newborn can go without food. In the first few weeks of life, they need to be fed every two or three hours.
Their little bodies know what they need, and how much they need sleep, their bodies know they need food. So, if they don’t gain enough weight they won’t sleep until they have enough in their little bellies! Again, for the first few weeks it’s all about their survival, they’re built for it!
Transitions
Think about it. Your newborn has just come out of a warm, safe place where they are fed enough regularly, where they are constantly rocked, where they are held in a close cozy room and then they do the not very pleasant journey and born! We are so happy to have them in the world with us! They may feel differently, this is an opportunity to welcome them and reassure them that this is a great place to be.
Where should a newborn sleep?
You can’t teach a newborn bad habits in the first weeks of life, you can only teach them love. So, during the day? If you walk and they fall asleep, great! Let them sleep on your chest and soak up the wonder. Maybe you should go to sleep?
Don’t worry about the road and something you can do if this baby just moves to their bassinet!
At night they need to be in your room in their own safe sleep space, co-sleeper or crib, or any other place that follows CDC safe sleep guidelines.
I highly recommend that parents not concern themselves with the baby’s sleep schedule for the first few weeks with the baby. Feed the baby, make sure they get enough food, and let them sleep wherever, whenever. (Always follow the Safe Sleep Guidelines! And if you want to chat about them, come to the store, I’m trained as a Sleep Consultant, I’m knowledgeable, and, I don’t judge.)
Let go of any expectations of time and sleep. Baby will get older and you may miss this strangely exhausting, but sweet and precious window of newborn life. You will never get it back.
When do parents get to sleep?!
Yes, that….These weeks can be tiring. Pay attention to the parent’s sleep!
Some suggestions:
Maybe let one parent have an hour off in the morning and the other parent the same in the afternoon? Schedule them, or they won’t happen!
If the baby is exclusively breastfed a degree of flexibility is necessary. (See above again: needs feeding!) So, in the beginning it could be as simple as one parent getting an hour after the second morning feed and the other parent getting an hour after the first afternoon feed.
(Disclaimer: Some of us moms are nervous and afraid that the other parent won’t do it “right”. The breastfeeding parent creeps around the room “out of sight”…baby will know it. It’s true if -amin: I could be that parent😬 when another parent tries to give a bottle to a 6 month old because. Why is he doing that? That’s what I want but I “know” he might not do it right. Not my best parenting moment!)
Sunday 4-12
During these weeks the parents are very tired, and are getting used to the fact that life has changed and have given up on it “back to normal”. (If you’re not like this, bravo! Don’t tell anyone!)
These are the weeks when we can educate ourselves, as parents. Our goal during these weeks is to remember that the baby is developing every day, and our goal, as their parents, is to begin to be aware of what they are ready for developmentally.
Babies don’t tell us when they’re ready to sleep, we have to teach them. It is best for parents and baby to have a sleep and nap schedule that is developmentally appropriate and reasonable and slowly ease the baby into it. No parent wants to wake up with a 5 month old and say “Why aren’t they sleeping?!?” It can be avoided.
This is the secret.
Your job in the first few weeks of your baby’s life? Let go
If you let it for the first few weeks there is a chance you may have the strength to start teaching them to sleep when it is developmentally appropriate!
The first weeks? Let go Enjoy. Sniff the top of their head. Don’t get stuck in the future.
Want to be ahead of the game? The sooner you understand and educate yourself about baby sleep, the better off you and your entire family will be. So, study a little when you are pregnant.
The four tools:
Love.
Not change.
Boundaries.
Loyalty.
Yep, that’s all. And, it’s not always easy. Sometimes life is simpler than we make it out to be. And we are getting more and more tired? The more complicated we make things!
These four will serve parenting well for years to come. What they mean will change at different ages, starting at 6 weeks and going up to, oh…26?
They are not secret. Pick up any parenting book, from sleep to children to teens and these tools are there.
As with all tools in a tool box, learning how to use them, how to use them together is the key.
That kid isn’t going anywhere for a long time! They have a lot to learn, and so do we!
* For those of you who have to work to support you and baby, work can’t wait, I get it, but, everything else? Yeah, maybe that can wait? Making smart choices can be difficult, but I know you’re smart, you’ve made it and we’re getting through this.
Sarah Pollak has owned and operated Mom’s the Word since her second positive pregnancy test, spoken to thousands of new moms, trained in Infant Sleep and Positive Discipline Parenting and is always happy to chat with pregnant and new mother in the shop to continue to build her knowledge base.
