Birth Control

Let’s face it, cats are better than men

Be honest, you already know. In your heart of hearts, you know. You don’t need that man, you just need a cat. Here’s why.

1. They will remove any and all bugs for you

You don’t have to scream, jump on the furniture, beg, or convince them that the shadow on the ceiling is definitely, definitely, definitely a spider. They already know it’s a spider—in fact, they’ve eaten it.

2. They will never leave you

Unless you leave the front door open, but that is completely understood.

3. They are always amazing

The fact that cats smell like heaven is one of life’s great mysteries, considering their food stinks and all they do is lick themselves head to toe all day. Somehow they smell of hot laundry, pancakes with maple syrup, and sunshine. Ax body spray doesn’t come with those smells, and cats don’t come with fragile egos, so…

4. They are thankful

You don’t know what it feels like to be appreciated until you have a cat curled around your ankles, purring at top volume, just because you may or may not give him a treat. Does a guy look at you like you’re the most beautiful angel to ever walk the earth every time he smells tuna?

5. They will never cheat on you

Sure, they might like one or two of your friends, but it won’t be more than a pat on the head.

6. They are always happy to stay

You don’t have to feel bad about wanting a cozy night in (or wanting a cozy night in every night) when you live with a cat. Your sweatpants, candles, hot chocolate, blanket on the couch dreams can come true every single day.

7. They are the best snugglers

Cats will give you the best snuggles you’ll ever get. They’re there for the pure fun of it, and they won’t hold back. The cat will rub its cheek against your cheek, bury its neck, stare intently into your eyes while purring aggressively, and then fall asleep with one paw resting on your cheek. It’s like…what are we missing here?

8. They are true protectors

When was the last time you saw a man jump at the slightest sound? Cats can be dead asleep, positively limp, and if a leaf gently falls from a tree outside your window, they are EVERYTHING. And let’s face it, the only thing men offer protection is…men. That’s circular logic, babe. Don’t let them fall for their marketing tricks.

9. They will listen to you talk endlessly about your co-workers

Sure they might yawn, might fall asleep, but they’re cats so it doesn’t count. If a guy yawns while you’re talking about your drama at work? Oh, we’re done.

10. Your parents will love them

Unlike most boys you might introduce to your parents, a cat will never say something stupid that makes your parents hate him for the next five years.

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